Throw Up.

I am so unbelievably angry right now. I do not get angry often. At all. And I definitely dont use the word “hate.” I mean, I might as a joke or something. But to me, hate is such a strong word. But right now, I seriously hate this world. It makes me sick.

It hit me today: twice. I heard a story about a man killing his coworker over a girl he met online. Yeah, that might be gossip. But my uncle isn’t too far from doing the same thing. And I learned my friend was raped by four guys last month.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Evil. Gross. Malicious.

Do those guys even know what they did to her? Not just physically. Although those scares will be there for a long time. So will the ones in her mind.

She could have died.

It just makes me so disgusted in the world that I live in. How can this even happen? I can’t even think about it. I get so angry, so bitter, so ugly when I think about it. Those guys are just repulsive. I can say a whole lot more, but I really dont want to lose it.

She just layed there. She couldn’t do anything. She was powerless. She was defensless. She was helpeless. Her life was in the hands of someone else: someone with the intention of getting his sexual desires fulfilled. It’s beyond selfish. All four of them forced her. She had no choice. She didn’t have a say.

She doesn’t deserve it. No one knows her. No one cares about her. She’s the girl that sits in the corner with her odd friend. She’s the girl that no one wants to get to know. She’s the girl that texts me at least 10 times in one day just looking for attention, affection, love. She’s the girl that is the hardest to love. She’s the girl that needs it the most.

Suddenly, my worries just went out the window. Who will I hang out with on tour? What if they dont like me? Did I really just bomb that test? What do they really think about me? I didn’t study for my midterm! I am so hungry. I want someone to love me. Does this shirt match my jacket?

All gone. Am I really that shallow? Do I really waste my time thinking about what others think about me? Do I really spend that much time focusing on things that dont even matter? I thought I was deeper than that.

It was a good wakeup call. Not that I wanted this to happen. But I cant take it back. No one can. I thought she was being dramatic when she said she was depressed over her fish dying. It all makes sense now. She always made a point to tell me that she loved me. I see why now. She always looked for attention, affection, love. I see why.

She would always hold on to hope. She always looked at God as her maine source of life. She was encouraging. God was holding her. No, he didn’t cause that to happen to her. Not at all. She doesn’t blame Him. She even forgives those.. “jerks.” If that word even does it justice. I would love to just speak my mind about those guys. But I wont.

God is faithful. Even in the hard things. He is still the same before and after the rape & abuse. He will always be the wonderful, loving God. He protected her from death. And she realizes it. Which is incredible.

I love her. So does God. Which is mind blowing if we truly sit down and think about it