Drama.

I dont really want to blog about today. But I will. I think it'll be good for me. I think that God will show me something through it.

Well. I started out going to starbucks to finish my homework that so desperately needed to be done! I was going to go to the old one, but when I drove past it, I saw someone sitting in my spot. So, I just kept going to the new one. I hadn't been there in a while anyways. So I go there and I start on my homework. I order my java chip frapp and an hour and a half later, I'm almost done with my homework! I had 3 more history ID's left when I saw them.

My grandma walked in starbucks with my step-grandpa.

I panicked. What the heck?! I hadn't see them or talked to them in at least a year if not two. My grandma didn't even look at me. Howard glanced at me, and I smiled on reaction. I waited a whole 3 seconds before I packed everything up. I booked it out of there. I got to my car and I couldn't stop shaking. Did that truly just happen? Did I really just see them? Was it their twins? They dont even live here. Why are they here?

I got in my car and I didn't know what to do. I was angry. I was hurt. I decided to go to the only place I could think of: my beach. Although, I didn't make it very far until the tears started to roll down. I was hyperventalating. (Thank you Jesus that I made it home safely) I didn't understand. Why now? Why here? Why today? Why, why why? I cant even describe it. I was crying out to God in a way that I had never done before. I was yelling in anguish. I had never been so hurt before. All the hurt came back all at once. My mind went through everything that had happened that had hurt my family so greatly. It hurt. It hurt badly.

I didn't know what to do. I kept talking to God. I kept on questioning him. I kept on calling his name. And I kept on crying.

I finally go to the beach and I was still crying. I dont think I have ever cried so hard. It was the weirdest thing. But it was good for me. I needed to get it all out. I never stopped talking to God. I kept on interrogating him as if the more questions I asked, the faster the answer would come.

I stayed in my car and just cried. I probably looked insane, but it's fine. I truly needed to get everything out. I needed to cry out to God. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him how much it hurt. I needed to verbalize it all. And I did. And God came through.

I prayed for peace. I prayed so hard. And He gave it to me. After a long time at the beach and a drive to nowhere and back to the beach, I felt a peace wash over all of me. I knew that God has prepared me for this all this past week. He kept saying to me this week that He was constant.

Even when I see the person who has hurt me the most, God is still God. God still loves me. God doesn't hinder his love for me because of my past. He doesn't keep his peace from me because I was hurt. He is constant. He is there. He let himself be known to me. He knew that my grandma and I would see each other. He knew that the hurt would return. He knew everything.

So he prepared me. He told me that He is always here. He showed his love to me. It is incredible to think about it. God prepared me. God never changed. Before today and after today, He will be the same wonderful, loving Creator as He always was.

This is a mess. It sounded a lot better in my head.

Thank you, God, for giving me peace. I'm soo utterly excited for tonight's night of worship. I know you will speak to me. I expect you to. I wont set my expectations low. You can do everything. You can do it all. You are mighty and powerful. You got this. Thank you for holding on to me. I love you so much. I'm all yours. Take it from me, God. Everything.

Blast from the Past.

Oh man. I read a really good blog today and I suddenly had the urge to write one as well. Here goes nothing..

Devos. Hmm, amazing little things, huh? I did them this morning and I swear that every time that I open up that Bible of mine, I learn something new. God speaks to me. And somehow, He puts what I read and lets me ponder upon it and BAM something happens. No, I dont mean that I am suddenly free of all my worries, pains, and fear. But something in my heart stirs. It’s overwhelming. I dont know how to explain it. But it’s God.

And I need those moments. I have my doubts. Sometimes I sit in my room and I think.. how do I really truly know that He is real? How do I know that I’m not just crazy? How do I know for a fact? And so on, so forth. I get so into it that it’s almost scary. I question everything. I analyse all that I believe in.

And it’s a good thing!

It’s a good thing to question what I believe in. Because I always find an answer. Sometimes it takes a day. Other times it takes a year. I went through a time where I just did not hear from God. It lasted for a little over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of how long it was. All I remember is getting frusterated. I would think to myself.. well if He was real, why the heck wouldn’t He prove himself? Why wouldn’t He just pop down from Heaven and show Himself? I got mad. I was sad that He wouldn’t answer me. I was tired of going to church and not feeling anything. I was sick of going to school only to learn more about this God that was giving me the “silent treatment.” I was hurt. I was angry.

And I kept it all inside.

Bad mistake. Bad mistake. Bad mistake. I had this tendancy to put on a face of perfection. I dont want people to see that I’m broken, that I need help, that I have been hurt. But it’s changing now. I see that I need to show those things! I am not perfect. And it’s okay for me to say that.

Anyways. So I was more sad than angry at God. I can’t say that I lost my faith, because I truly knew somewhere in my heart that He never left me: that he is real. I knew it and I wanted to believe it, but it was hard. He never seemed to be there. I did devos, but not with an open heart. I was waiting for that one moment where I would just “feel” God. I was basing everything on emotions. Not good. God isn’t an emotion. He is constant. And it took me such a long time to realize it.

But He never did leave me. In fact, I can say that He held on to me tighter than ever in that year. I look back now and see what He had done while I was looking the other way. He sent this amazing lady into my life. Her name is Liz Van Dyke. Wow. Do I need to say anymore? Well.. probably, because some of you dont know who she is. But let’s just say that she saved my relationship with Jesus.

She encouraged me to keep going. She always grabbed me after service and talked to me. She always came up to me and asked how I was doing. She was there. She showed Jesus to me when I was searching so desperately for Him. He came. And He came in a form of a best friend. She helped me so much. She got me back on my feet.

One thing she told me will stick with me forever. God was testing me. And this wasn’t in a bad way. It was something that I needed to go through. It’s like a teacher giving you a test: just to see how much you know. Only in this case, God wanted to show me how genuine my faith was. He wanted to wake me up and show me how much God meant to me. If that makes sense..? Basically, He was showing me my faith. She told me that it was like a child learning how to walk. I was a baby, but I was growing. God used to hold my hand all the time. But now that I was growing in my faith, He started to trust me enough to let me take my first few steps. Not alone! He was right there beside me. In fact, His hands were inches away from me: ready to catch me when I fell. He never ever left.

It was the fact that He trusted me enough to walk on my own, to make my faith my own, that just hit home. He was always present. His love never stopped. It was my own expectations that hindered our relationship. But He showed me that I dont need that “big time hit” experience to know that He is real. He showed me that I dont need to base our relationship on emotions. He gradually spoke more and more to me. And through that rough patch, we came out strong. We are still strong.. stronger than ever. I know that He is alive. I know that He is real. And although I may not feel Him every day, I cant trust what I “feel.” I can trust the truth, though.

He is real, my friends. Jesus was a real person. There are artifacts and documents to prove that He was a real person. Whether you believe that He loves you, that He died, and that He returned to life is your decision. I chose to believe it. He has saved my life in more ways than just one. There is no way that I can ever not believe it. No one can take that away from me. I love him because He loved me first. He loved us all first. His love never stops and is not conditional. Despite what you do, think, or say.. He loves you. Even when you reject him.

“Love is the arms that are holding you. Love never fails you.”

:(

This is weird for me. I haven't been this irritated in a long time. My friend texted me and it was so self-centered. She just wanted attention from me. She wanted to hear the right words and wanted to feel better. And it makes me sick. I honestly dont get mad often. At all. I dont know why, I guess I just have no reason to be mad!

But my friend just uses me to the max. And I cant take it! She only comes to me to complain or to tell me about all the awful things in her life. Dont get me wrong, I love it when people vent out to me. I feel honored that they trust me. And it means a lot. But for this person, it's different. She's trying to get something out of me. And I'm not entirely sure what it is. But either way, I'm so hurt that she uses me so often as she does. It's an every day thing, too.

I cant believe I'm actually mad. This is so weird. I dont like it. And I wish I could wish away the feelings, but the truth is that I cant. I have to be honest with her and real with her. I cant keep putting myself in situations that I know I will get hurt by. Pray for her. She is desperate for attention and it's scary.

Beach.

The hardest thing me for to describe is what I'm thinking about. How would I put my thoughts into words? How do I describe what I'm going through? How would I say how I'm feeling? It's so hard for me to find the perfect words to explain. If someone were to ask me what I'm thinking about right now, I wouldn't be able to answer it. And I'm not saying this because I want to seem mysterious or anything.

There is a lot going on. But it's nothing in particular; it's everything in general. School, one-sided frienships, friend's hurt, my hurt, my brokenness, my parents, my siblings, my classmates, the pressure of college, pressure to be perfect, my "to do" list, keeping up with my relationship with Jesus, feeling confident with myself, being myself, being real, etc. The list could go on forever.

So, not confronting any of these problems recently, I took some time today and drove to the beach. This is probably where I let things go most. It's somewhere away from the busy life. I can go there and be alone with Jesus. I can relax. Even if I dont go outside my car because I'm scared of being kidnapped! :)

I went there about an hour ago and just talked to Jesus. I turned off my phone and turned up my worship music. I let God know what was going on in my life and let him speak to me through the music. What did he tell me, you might ask? He is consistant.

And it means the world to me that He is. I am not constant. I'm constantly.. everywhere doing something else every hour. I'm busy. There, I admited it. And I'm fixing it. I'm going to cut back on how much I do every week. But that's a different story! So God reminded me that he has never changed. Ever. And He has been here a loottt longer than I. It's refreshing to know that whether I am freaking out, excited, scared, bored, angry, etc.. He is always the same. He isn't based on emotions like I am. He doesn't change his thoughts based on a situation or an emotion like I do. He is perfect. He is love. He is my best friend.

The song "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath came on the radio and it just spoke to me. I've heard it before but this time it was different. I am still listening to it right now. It's just an excellent reminder of who God is: he is love. And love never fails us.

Whoa.

Today was so weird. I had a meeting with Angel Esqivel about Cadres. For a while, things just weren't going how they should go. It's a long story. If you are in my Cadre, you know what I mean. But anyways. Keriann, Mary, and I sat down with Angel and were honest. We told him how we were feeling and we got somewhere. It wasn't a meaningless, pointless meeting.
One of the results involves me. Eeek! Mmkay. So. Angel suggested that I colead the Sophmore Cadre. I am totally for it! I asked Mary and Keriann how they would honestly feel if their peer, me, would lead them. Because I know if I were to be honest, I wouldn't like it so much if someone my age, in my grade, was leading me. But they were both for it.
Should I be excited? I am. But I'm not. I'm nervous! I'm only 16. And I dont know if I'm ready quite yet. Like I said in my other post, I dont know if I'm leadership material. But I guess this is God's way of showing me that I am. Otherwise, he wouldn't have put me in this position. I just really pray that I lead these AMAZING ladies more to Jesus. I hope that my story and my experiences and my struggles can help them get deeper with Him. I pray that I am a leader before a friend. I want to help them grow, even if it means I'm hurting their feelings. Not that I will intentionally hurt them! That's not it at all. But I can't hold back God's words just for the sake of "feeling good."
I dont know how to feel, to be honest. I just want Jesus to use me. I'm scared. But I know this will challenge me in the best way possible. I need a good challenge. Alright Jesus, I'm ready. I love you.

Leader??

People have come up to me and told me to be a leader: that I should be a leader. They tell me that they see me as one. But I dont know. I'm so skeptical of it. Do I truly act like one? I dont think I do. I just do my thing and try to be the best friend that I can be. I honestly dont see it. I mean, some days I guess I do. I see how they would say that. But I'm not confident that I should be a leader.
I think that's a personal thing though. I dont think that I'm "good enough" or old enough to become a leader. What does being a leader even mean? To lead people the best that I can by living out my life? I would love a definition. I want to be a leader. I think God is telling me to step out in faith and just be bold: be a leader.
I need help! I feel so young and I feel like I need to learn so much more. I dont think I'm ready.
God, teach me what being a leader means. Open my eyes to what I'm doing. Help me improve my leadership skills, whatever they may be. I want to be a leader for you. I need help. Send help my way!!! I love you Jesus.

So I started to blog about how I was annoyed with someone. But it wasn't okay. It was rude and mean. Even though I only wrote down one sentence! I knew where it would end up. So, I thought that I would blog about my devos instead. They were intense.
I read Mark 15 along with Isaiah 11 I believe. I make up my own devo schedule and so I just go through books that I feel like I should read. And oddly enough, these two were perfect for each other! It was crazy. Isaiah 11 was talking about who Jesus was. And I had read that one first. Then, I read Mark 15, which was all about Jesus's death. It was so powerful! I think that I honestly forget about how powerful Jesus's death really was. He has done so much in my life on top of that, too. It blows my mind. I got really moved. It was definitely a wonderful reminder.
Anyways. I should start to blog in a positive way. I was reading over my tumblr blogs and they aren't so positive. I tried to end it on a good note, but I dont know if it worked every time. Oh well. I guess it's one way to get my thoughts out.
Jesus, you are awesome. I love you man. I am all yours.

Ahh

I just told my mother.
Which is weird for me to say. I trust my mom a lot. She is such a blessing in my life. And I know that I can talk to her about anything. But with this? It's just different I guess. I dont feel as if she would support me or encourage it. I would feel as if she would look at me differently.
But I know she wouldn't at the same time. It's this neverending cycle of confusion I suppose.
Either way, I told her. I was honest. And I wish I could have finished the story. Oh well, I'll save it for another late night.
I dont even know why I'm so scared to talk to my parents about boys. It's weird. I feel like they would look down on me. But they wouldn't. Ahh, I just repeated what I said a few lines before. This is so weird. I just want to be honest with my parents.
When I told my mom, she just said that she knew that there was something I wasn't telling her. Which is weird! Haha. My mom is a mind reader.. creepy? Yeah, pretty much! :)
Anyways. Things are going fast and crazy. But I'm only 16. Nothing will happen. I dont want anything to happen. I'm too young. I'm not ready. I want to know myself better before I get to know someone else in that sense.
God, take everything that happened tonight. I'm overwhelmed with good, bad, and anxious thoughts. I dont know what to think. I dont know how to feel. I know what to do. Please help me. Guide my steps. Open my eyes to what you see, not just what I see. I love you with all that I am. I'm living my life out for you! Things are weird right now. But it doesn't change anything with you. You are constant. Thank you. I lean on you, not myself. I am yours.

?

You are making this so hard on me. I hear all of these amazing things about you. And yet I see another side of you. I dont know which one is true. Or if they both are! I'm so utterly confused. Who are you? Please, dont be one person on Sunday and then a whole different person Monday.

God

is more than words can even describe.

The way that He consumes my life is incredible. But even that word has a lack of meaning. God never ceases to blow my mind. He is there when I need him. He is patient when I lose my way. He is there when I dont know where to go or what to say. Especially with when I dont know what to say. When I cry out to Him to speak, He does. Every time.



I have been content with my faith: it's dangerous. But I'm passionate about Him now. Thank you Snowed In for showing me how great my God is! He is powerful. He is not just routine. He is here. He consumes me. He uses me. He loves me. For who I am. No matter what I do.



God, continue to show up in my life. The way you are moving with the people around me just makes me speechless. You are amazing. You are so much. You are changing lives. You are changing my life. Thank you! I love you so much God. Consume me so that I can pour you out on others. Use me God for your glory. Thank you for your love. It floors me. It's overwhelming. In the best way possible. Thank you over and over again. I love you. Let's continue this journey of life together: every day, every minute.

I get so excited when my friends are eager to learn more about Jesus! I look back to the past few months, and God is working. Big time. Many of my friends are now talking about God and wanting to do devos and have all these questions. This is the best thing to me!! It gets me so pumped up for them. Not only that, but it encourages me to keep my relationship with Jesus fresh and passionate.
My friends are truly incredible, wonderful people. They encourage me. They are there for me. And I love them so much. I'm so blessed. Beyond words. Thank you God for giving them to me. Thank you for their passion and hunger for you. Bless them and hold tightly to them. I love them! I love you above all. Please work in the way you want to. I want your will, not mine. Today is all yours.

Sometimes I dont know how to react to things. My words get all mixed up and I end up confusing everyone around me. Ahh, gotta love being confused, right?