Oh man. I read a really good blog today and I suddenly had the urge to write one as well. Here goes nothing..
Devos. Hmm, amazing little things, huh? I did them this morning and I swear that every time that I open up that Bible of mine, I learn something new. God speaks to me. And somehow, He puts what I read and lets me ponder upon it and BAM something happens. No, I dont mean that I am suddenly free of all my worries, pains, and fear. But something in my heart stirs. It’s overwhelming. I dont know how to explain it. But it’s God.
And I need those moments. I have my doubts. Sometimes I sit in my room and I think.. how do I really truly know that He is real? How do I know that I’m not just crazy? How do I know for a fact? And so on, so forth. I get so into it that it’s almost scary. I question everything. I analyse all that I believe in.
And it’s a good thing!
It’s a good thing to question what I believe in. Because I always find an answer. Sometimes it takes a day. Other times it takes a year. I went through a time where I just did not hear from God. It lasted for a little over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of how long it was. All I remember is getting frusterated. I would think to myself.. well if He was real, why the heck wouldn’t He prove himself? Why wouldn’t He just pop down from Heaven and show Himself? I got mad. I was sad that He wouldn’t answer me. I was tired of going to church and not feeling anything. I was sick of going to school only to learn more about this God that was giving me the “silent treatment.” I was hurt. I was angry.
And I kept it all inside.
Bad mistake. Bad mistake. Bad mistake. I had this tendancy to put on a face of perfection. I dont want people to see that I’m broken, that I need help, that I have been hurt. But it’s changing now. I see that I need to show those things! I am not perfect. And it’s okay for me to say that.
Anyways. So I was more sad than angry at God. I can’t say that I lost my faith, because I truly knew somewhere in my heart that He never left me: that he is real. I knew it and I wanted to believe it, but it was hard. He never seemed to be there. I did devos, but not with an open heart. I was waiting for that one moment where I would just “feel” God. I was basing everything on emotions. Not good. God isn’t an emotion. He is constant. And it took me such a long time to realize it.
But He never did leave me. In fact, I can say that He held on to me tighter than ever in that year. I look back now and see what He had done while I was looking the other way. He sent this amazing lady into my life. Her name is Liz Van Dyke. Wow. Do I need to say anymore? Well.. probably, because some of you dont know who she is. But let’s just say that she saved my relationship with Jesus.
She encouraged me to keep going. She always grabbed me after service and talked to me. She always came up to me and asked how I was doing. She was there. She showed Jesus to me when I was searching so desperately for Him. He came. And He came in a form of a best friend. She helped me so much. She got me back on my feet.
One thing she told me will stick with me forever. God was testing me. And this wasn’t in a bad way. It was something that I needed to go through. It’s like a teacher giving you a test: just to see how much you know. Only in this case, God wanted to show me how genuine my faith was. He wanted to wake me up and show me how much God meant to me. If that makes sense..? Basically, He was showing me my faith. She told me that it was like a child learning how to walk. I was a baby, but I was growing. God used to hold my hand all the time. But now that I was growing in my faith, He started to trust me enough to let me take my first few steps. Not alone! He was right there beside me. In fact, His hands were inches away from me: ready to catch me when I fell. He never ever left.
It was the fact that He trusted me enough to walk on my own, to make my faith my own, that just hit home. He was always present. His love never stopped. It was my own expectations that hindered our relationship. But He showed me that I dont need that “big time hit” experience to know that He is real. He showed me that I dont need to base our relationship on emotions. He gradually spoke more and more to me. And through that rough patch, we came out strong. We are still strong.. stronger than ever. I know that He is alive. I know that He is real. And although I may not feel Him every day, I cant trust what I “feel.” I can trust the truth, though.
He is real, my friends. Jesus was a real person. There are artifacts and documents to prove that He was a real person. Whether you believe that He loves you, that He died, and that He returned to life is your decision. I chose to believe it. He has saved my life in more ways than just one. There is no way that I can ever not believe it. No one can take that away from me. I love him because He loved me first. He loved us all first. His love never stops and is not conditional. Despite what you do, think, or say.. He loves you. Even when you reject him.
“Love is the arms that are holding you. Love never fails you.”
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