Artificial Flavor.

I feel so fake sometimes. I feel like that artificial flavoring on candies that you eat: good for 5 minutes, but they dont last. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like I can say all the right words, but I dont live them out. Or I dont believe them all myself.

Like tonight, I went to ice cream with *name unmentioned so we will go with Susie* and then I went on yet another drive by myself and it opened my eyes up. Ice cream with Susie went well. Except for one thing: we talked about Susie the whole time. Don't get me wrong: I love Susie. I don't know where I would be without her. But let's just say that I had a talk with Jesus about her and about what to do.

Which leads into my drive. I drove nowhere and everywhere. Yeah, it's one of those nights. So I just turned off my music and just talked to God and listened. I guess you could say that I have not been "feeling" God lately. And it's a good thing in disguise. It means that my faith is maturing and growing, but it's hard sometimes. Not feeling Him makes me slip into my old habbits of doubt. And I confesssed it to God tonight. And it would seem pretty silly to be praying to God about doubting him.. But I know that He is real.

It's a fact: not an opinion.

It was just reassuring to get it all out in the open: I dont need to be fake. I dont need to hide behind a face. I dont need to pretend to have it all together. I'm a wreck! And it's okay. Because Jesus knows how to put it all together for me. And I'm gladly giving it over to Him: each and every day. Not always easy, but definitely for the best.

The song "The Motions" by Matthew West came on. Wow. Can you talk about a better song that speaks my heart? Probably. haha But regardless, this song helps me out each time I listen to it. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to feel something. I want that passion, desire, hunger, and burning love for my Jesus. It seems so routine lately. It feels so plain. It's not passionate like it used to be. It's a problem.

God usually works in small bits with me. Little bit of love at a time. It isn't based on emotions: it is based on fact and relationship. And it's the perfect thing for me. If I were to have that "Jesus high" I would crash and burn. It would be one ugly sight. But instead, God works all things for my good... which includes small babysteps. I'm so grateful for a God that looks out for my best interests.

I pray for that passion and that desire for Him. But if he wants to take things slow, it's for the best. That way, I wont base our relationship on emotions and feelings.

Man. I sound like such a high school girl! Maybe being one is a good excuse.. Just maybe.

Dear Jesus, I love you. Love is such a wonderful thing. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a commitment. And I commit to you. Because I know that you loved and commited to me first. You knew me before I was born. You know what I will do tomorrow. You know when I'll wake up and when I'll fall asleep. You care about me. You care about the littlest things in my life. You genuinely care. You take interest in my life. You hold me close when I need you. And through the hard times in my life, you carry me. You dont let me go it alone. You are consistant. You are there. You are real. You are evident in my life and the lives of those around me. This world is not here forever. It wants to pull me down. And most days, it does a good job. God, you want to build me up. You want the best for me. My life is all yours. Take it from me! I love you so much. Please use me. Give me your wisdom: I dont want to speak with my own words.. things could get messy. I am yours. All of me is all yours. Do whatever you want. Like I said, you know what's best. You got this. I trust you. Thanks for everything. Talk to you soon. Love you.