Thoughts.

So for like the past week I have been wanting to blog about my thoughts. But every time I had the opportunity, I would start it out wrong. I would say something that wasn’t right and I would get confused and just stop altogether. But I think I’ll press through this one. Sooo we shall see how confusing and crazy it gets.

I had a sleepover with my amazing friend Allison on Saturday night. It was soo good. We stayed up until 4am just talking about a lot of different things. But I realized something about myself as I was reflecting.. I cant seem to express my thoughts very well. And I dont know why.

Another example was this morning at devos with the group. I had all of these thoughts in my head about the verse that I read and I wrote a summery of it on the paper since I got distracted super easily. But when it came time for me to share, it came out all.. well.. unintelligent! It didn’t make any sense. And I thought.. wow, why was that so hard for me? It’s not that I dont trust these people. I just didn’t know how to word my thoughts.

And I guess it could be because I dont want to spend an hour talking about me. Which is really how long it would take if I were to tell someone my thoughts. Which is a long time for one to talk about oneself! I need to try though. I need to get out my thoughts. It’s easy for me to talk about someone and give advice and my thoughts about that. But when it comes to me and what I’m thinking about.. well golly, I dont know where to start.

This got me thinking: what do I spend my time thinking about? And it took a while for me to think about this one. I really had no idea. I couldn’t pin point one specific topic that I rest my thoughts upon. And to be honest, it kind of made me go crazy! I then analyzed everything I thought about in a day. Not in a bad way, but I guess I just wanted to know what I truly spend my time thinking

I came to the conclusion.. that I have no idea. Still! I think about a lot of things. Things going on right in front of me, friendships, friend’s issues, my family, school, my future, my past, old friends of whom I dont speak to anymore, and the list goes on and on and on! And then I think about blogs. I seriously write a blog in my head every day. I just dont post them because I’m never home! Which is kind of weird to say.. but oh well.

I guess I’ve been troubled with what I think about. And I was thining today about how I can never express my thoughts outloud in a way that makes sense to even me. And I got worried! I felt like a little isolated child that cant speak right. But one of my good, awesome friends Phil was saying how practice makes perfect. And it was such a simple phrase! But there was soo much truth in that. I really do need to go out there and talk to people about my thoughts. I need to take the initiative and be bold. I get so scared to talk to people about my problems first because I dont want to bug them or, if I’m being honest, I dont trust their judgment.

But I need to stop! It’s not healthy for me. I cant always to be scared and keep everything inside. I have people that I trust and that I know will listen to me. And I need to get over the fact that I’m scared! It wont do anything. I have people who want to help me and are there for me. And I need to take advantage of that. :)

Sooo thanks to all of you who have said “I’m here for you.” Such a common phrase means the world to me. And I want to take advantage of it! I trust that you will be there for me. And I want to talk to you guys about my thoughts if you are willing to listen and give your input

The Best Thing.

The best thing about friendship, in my opinion?
Well, I’ll just be honest and say that I can’t narrow it down to one thing.


But one of the most amazing things to me is trust. It’s such a powerful thing when I think about it. I trust this person so much that I dont mind sharing everything about myself. I trust not only that they wont tell anyone, but that they will still love me the way that they did beforehand. I trust that they will be honest with me. I trust what they will say. I trust them period.


And I think that’s what gets me in such awe when people talk to me about their problems. Or when they just talk to me about anything seriously. I went to Starbucks today with the intent on being alone, doing some devos, and just relaxing. But then Jemily asked me to join her. Which pretty much made my day, just saying. And we sit there and talk about a lot of things! We laugh and have such a good time. but we also talk about some serious stuff. And I still get amazed that she trusted me enough to talk about some of the stuff that she did.


Not that I’m this untrustworthy person! I sure hope people can trust me. But every time something happens like that, it just make my day. My love for them has grown even more! If possible!! It makes me feel worthy of something. Like I’m not just wasting my time doing nothing. Although, I do feel bad if I dont know what to say. But I have to remember that just listening is a big thing, too. I know that when someone just listens to me, it means the world. So I just have to remember the other end of things, I guess.


Wow. This is kind of a wreck. But I guess it’s your choice whether you wanted to read this! :) I just love my friends. I love Jemily. I love it when people open up. I LOOVVEEE it when people are real (stop being fake!). I love it when people can talk about things. It does wonders. And I love that I can be a part of it.

I love you guys. :) Honestly. If you dont feel like I do, let’s hang out more. Let me prove it.

Whew.

So I started to blog today. And I just wrote this HUGE blog about the frusterations that were bothering me as of that moment. But I knew I wouldn’t post it: there were things in there that were just rude & not necessary. So I went upstairs to have dinner with my family. And I’m just not in the mood. I’m just drained and I’m exhausted. From a lot of different things.

But then I start to think about it: I’m being really selfish right now. I dont need to bash these people because I’m feeling frusterated. In fact, things would only get worse if I had posted that blog. What I said was based off of what I was feeling in the moment, and not the facts of what was ACTUALLY happening. Sure, that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. But it doesn’t give me an excuse to be brutal with my words.

Sooo here comes the revelation.. I need to control what I say when I’m in a bad mood. Because yes, bad moods come.. a little more often lately.. but they also pass. And it’s my choice to acts upon my bad mood or fight against it. Because let’s just be honest: it’s easy to cuse someone out when you’re angry, yes? It’s easy to ignore someone. It’s easy to use all your angry and frusterations and just pour them out on someone who was in your way at the wrong time.

But it’s only easy for 2 seconds. Then what satisfaction do you get? Nothing. You dont get anything from it. You just ruined that kid’s self-esteem. Or worse. And when I say “you” I am referring to myself. Not that I cuss people out, but I have moments of desiring to do so.

It’s a good habbit to surrender it all to Jesus. I know that he wants to get me out of that bad mood. I know that he doesn’t want me to dwell on the mean thoughts that tend to consume my brain. I know that he wants to free me from all of these frustrations. So why wouldn’t I let him? Why would I even want to hold on to that anger? I have someone who is willing to take it away. Sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.

Good thing it’s available everday to anyone who wants it

Throw Up.

I am so unbelievably angry right now. I do not get angry often. At all. And I definitely dont use the word “hate.” I mean, I might as a joke or something. But to me, hate is such a strong word. But right now, I seriously hate this world. It makes me sick.

It hit me today: twice. I heard a story about a man killing his coworker over a girl he met online. Yeah, that might be gossip. But my uncle isn’t too far from doing the same thing. And I learned my friend was raped by four guys last month.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Evil. Gross. Malicious.

Do those guys even know what they did to her? Not just physically. Although those scares will be there for a long time. So will the ones in her mind.

She could have died.

It just makes me so disgusted in the world that I live in. How can this even happen? I can’t even think about it. I get so angry, so bitter, so ugly when I think about it. Those guys are just repulsive. I can say a whole lot more, but I really dont want to lose it.

She just layed there. She couldn’t do anything. She was powerless. She was defensless. She was helpeless. Her life was in the hands of someone else: someone with the intention of getting his sexual desires fulfilled. It’s beyond selfish. All four of them forced her. She had no choice. She didn’t have a say.

She doesn’t deserve it. No one knows her. No one cares about her. She’s the girl that sits in the corner with her odd friend. She’s the girl that no one wants to get to know. She’s the girl that texts me at least 10 times in one day just looking for attention, affection, love. She’s the girl that is the hardest to love. She’s the girl that needs it the most.

Suddenly, my worries just went out the window. Who will I hang out with on tour? What if they dont like me? Did I really just bomb that test? What do they really think about me? I didn’t study for my midterm! I am so hungry. I want someone to love me. Does this shirt match my jacket?

All gone. Am I really that shallow? Do I really waste my time thinking about what others think about me? Do I really spend that much time focusing on things that dont even matter? I thought I was deeper than that.

It was a good wakeup call. Not that I wanted this to happen. But I cant take it back. No one can. I thought she was being dramatic when she said she was depressed over her fish dying. It all makes sense now. She always made a point to tell me that she loved me. I see why now. She always looked for attention, affection, love. I see why.

She would always hold on to hope. She always looked at God as her maine source of life. She was encouraging. God was holding her. No, he didn’t cause that to happen to her. Not at all. She doesn’t blame Him. She even forgives those.. “jerks.” If that word even does it justice. I would love to just speak my mind about those guys. But I wont.

God is faithful. Even in the hard things. He is still the same before and after the rape & abuse. He will always be the wonderful, loving God. He protected her from death. And she realizes it. Which is incredible.

I love her. So does God. Which is mind blowing if we truly sit down and think about it

God Knows What's Up.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I’m not so sure I can put tonight into words. But I’ll try, I suppose.

Ah, I just can’t get over it. So I come early to speak to Angel with my good friend Keriann. But it doesn’t happen. So I get a little bummed and so extremely nervous. Because I hate being mean. Even if it’s not mean. Anyways, that’s a huge, long, exhausting story. Regardless: I enter pre-service prayer. I am surrounded by the most amazing people I know. Their hearts for God is just inspiring. And I love them!!

So I sit down and just start being honest & real with God. I talk about the things that I have done and beg for forgiveness. I wouldn’t say I was focusing on the negative, but I wanted to let God know that I am sorry and that I want forgivness. I know that he gives it so freely when I ask. So I ask. And I praise him for who he is.

Well, right in the middle of it, Jessica comes up from behind me and asks if it’s okay if she can pray for me. umm, did she need to ask?! :) I love that lady so much. She inspries me for sure. She helped me out with so much in the past few years that I’ve known her.

So she prays. I listen. I am in awe of how God was speaking to me through her. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it amazes me still. She prayed that I dont hold on to resentment, that I let it go, that I be healed, and that I know that he is proud of me. Not only was that the perfect thing for God to say, but it was the perfect thing to hear from Jessica herself.

She said how she was proud of me. That she has been watching how I pour out to others. She said that she has been praying for me since the day that she met me. She said that she saw Jesus in my life since that same day. She said that she believed in me. She said that she saw the encouragment that is from God inside of me. She understood that it was exhausting and hard sometimes. She told me that she loved me. She was so enthusiastic. She told me that I was called to be a leader. She said that God was sooo stinking proud of me.

And it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was incredible. I wanted to cry I was so overwhelmed. It meant so much to me. I’ve been so hard on myself lately. It was freeing to know that my God, the perfect one who saved me, is proud of me. He loves me through anything. Mind. Blown.

He put a verse on my heart, too. He has been doing that lately. But all I could remember was that it had the words “yoke” “burden” “light” and “easy.” haha an odd mix of words, but I couldn’t remember which one was light and which one was easy. And then I come on here to see that Lyndsey put it at the end of her post.

Alright. Silly example, I know. But I prayed about it during youth group. I was like “what the heck did it say?! God, please show me. Thanks!” And then it kind of slipped my mind. Crazy how it happened only an hour later!

Ahh, I love Him.

Personal.

O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
dont let me be disgraced
Save me and rescue me,
for you do what is right.
Turn your ear to listen to me,
and set me free.
Be my rock of safety
where I an always hide.
Give the order to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
My God, rescue me from the power of the wicked,
from the clutches of cruel oppressors.
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and protection.
That is why I can never stop praising you;
I declare your glory all day long.
…
Dont abandon me when my strength is failing.
For my enemies are whispering against me.
They are plotting together to kill me.
They say, “God has abandoned *her.
Let’s go and get her,
for no one will help her now.”

O God, dont stay away.
My God, please hurry to help me.
…
But I will keep on hoping for your help;
I will praise you more and more.
I will tell everyone about your righteousness.
All day long I will proclaim your saving power,
though I am not skilled with words.
I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord.
I will tell everyone that you alone are just.

O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,
and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.
…
Let me proclaimm your power to this new generation
your mighty miracles to all who come after me.

Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.
You have done such wonderful things.
Who can compare with you, O God?
You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
but you will restore me to life again
and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
You will restore me to even greater honor
and comfort me once again…

- Pslam 71

Real.

Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire
I cant find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen from weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
Dont let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
.. Dont let me cause them to be humiliated..
For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
Even my own brothers pretend they dont know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you
have fallen on me.
When I weep & fast,
they scoff at me.
When I dress .. to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
I am a favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping that this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mud;
dont let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me
and pull me from the deep waters.
Dont let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
take care of me, for your mercy is plentiful.
Dont hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

… Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisioned people.

-Psalm 69:1-18, 32-33

Ventation.

**Read at your own risk

I hate talking to him. My dad. And above that, I hate that I hate talking to him. I hate that I cant have a normal conversation with him. I hate that I can't just talk about something to him. He always has something negative to say. There is always something that I'm doing wrong. I'm never in the right mind set. I'm never saying the right words. I'm never seeing the other side. I'm never ever doing it right. Or the way that he thinks it should be done.

I hate how I make him sound like the worst person in the world when he isn't. I'm never good enough. And he doesn't say those exact words. He doesn't need to. He isn't an awful person. I love my dad. But he is big into perfection. And he wont admit it. He will say that I'm good enough or that he loves me. But it's hard to believe without the actions to back it up.

Like I said before, I never saw him as a child. So in all honesty, I dont really know who he is anymore.

I never vent. It's not good. But when I do to my dad, he doesn't just sit and listen. Which is what I need sometimes. Not all the time. I realize that I need to hear the hard things as well. But for my dad it's different. It feels as though all that he does is tell me what I need to fix or what I need to realize. I dont get the support that I need. I dont trust him. And that scares me. A lot.

I feel like such a drama queen. I never talk about my problems and so when it catches up with me, things explode way out of porportions. I'm just on stress overload and I need to calm down. I just had to blog about it. It has been bugging me for a long time.

Peace. God's been trying to tell me that lately: He is willing to give it to me when I ask. It's out of this world. I can't comprehend it. I want it. I need it. And He wont let me down. I'm ready for some peace, Jesus. Sorry it took me so long to ask you.

Ugh.

I am kind of disgusted right now. I hate how everywhere I go in life, there will always be drama. It's like high school never ends. I know it's not just me either. Everyone has it in their lives. It's inevitable.

So what do I do? It's my fault. Well, not really. But kind of. I dont exactly oppose drama. I like to keep up with my friends. I ask them how they are doing, and I guess I just basically ask what the new drama is. And I dont mean to! I truly dont. I dont need more drama in my life. I guess it goes hand in hand with the "how are you doing" question.

Which brings me to the subject of tolo. I dont really know what to say. I had fun, no doubt. I danced with Caytie, Allison, and Jared most of the night. Those guys are too awesome. But I just saw some of my friends (respectful friends) who were dancing, well, not exactly the cleanest.

And that's not why I'm disgusted. I expected to see it. I personally dont like to grind or dirty dance any other way. It's just not my style. I dont find it very pleasurable! I'd rather just crazy dance with my friends and have fun and not worry about anything. Because, obviously, I cannot dance! haha.

I guess it just makes me sad to finally realize that the people I looked up to aren't perfect. And you might be saying "well duhhh, Laura. Hardly a surprise." And I would say it, too. I would tell myself, "no one is perfect. No one." But I wouldn't truly believe it. I dont know why. But I struggle with comparing myself. And I know that people aren't perfect. But sometimes I guess my mind just fantasized how about how wonderful people are. Which is when things get bad. Because people let me down. I let people down, too! It should be expected. No one is perfect. And it's something that I have to remind myself.

Lately, my eyes have been opened to people's flaws. Not in a judgmental way, but in a way that just made me think. I definitely think that it was God trying to tell me something..

STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. I cant reach that goal. I can try, but I cant expect it from myself.

I always list out my flaws. And each time, I tell myself that it's okay because then I know what to fix. But it's not the best thing for me. I cant always remind myself of what I need to fix. It's not healthy. Yes, there are things to improve, but it's not the main focus. There needs to be a balance. To be honest, I'm afraid I'm going to slip back into my "I'm so high & mighty" ways. So I try to counteract that by degrading myself. Not smart. Not good. Not at all.

It's weird for me to tell myself that I'm a good friend or that I'm beautiful or whatever. I mean, I can take it from other people (it makes my day!), but if someone were to ask me what I like about myself, I can think of things.. I would just feel weird saying them outloud. I guess you could say that I'm scared people will think I'm conceited because I have had problems with conceited people. It's weird just thinking about it!

I know that God loves me. I know that God thinks I'm beautiful. I know that God treasures me. I know it. I believe it. But I dont know if I truly think I treasure myself. And I know this sounds soo contraditory to what I said before, but this is another thing I need to work on: loving myself. But I wont degrade myself by working on this. I can hear it a hundred times a day "I love you!" But when it comes down to it, if I don't love myself, it wont matter.

Confidence. I'm not shy, no way! But I worry too much about how others see me. It doesn't matter! I tell myself that almost every day. But it just cuts deeper when it actually happens. Which corrolates with how I grew up. Yeah, I have the most amazing friends in the world. They remind me of how I am loved and they encourage me when I need it. My parents try to. They really do, I believe it. They just dont know how to express their love very well. It was because of how they were raised. So it's harder for them to tell me that I'm beautiful or that I'm amazing or whatever. I guess it affects how I see myself. When I dont hear those things and I constantly hear what I need to work on, it just gets degrading.

And I'm not slamming my parents. I really am not. I am soo absolutely blessed with them. I honestly do not believe that they intentionally try to hurt me. I know they dont. It's something that I dont think they realize. But it's been better this past year. It's still a struggle, however. It probably always will be.

Which is why I'm looking for love. Not in a desperate way. I wouldn't do the things that your mind automatically goes to when you hear that. Just in friendships. With both guys and girls. I love my friends. And that's where I find my security. Which isn't good, I'm just being honest. I need to stop finding myself in who others see me as. I need to start seeing myself as God sees me. And it's not always easy.

My dad didn't show his love for me until this past year. He wasn't UNloving, just didn't know how to express it without just saying it. He was always working. He focused so hard on it. I rarely ever saw him. And he works 10 minutes away. It never really affected me until he tried to spend time with me. It's awkward. We are soo different. And to be honest, I barely know the guy. How would I have known him? He was never home. And now the table has turned: I'm never home. I feel awful. It's something that I need to pray about. I dont want to loose the relationship between my parents and I.

I also get it from my older brother. It's a long story, but it has been resolved. It's still a little awkward, but we talk now. I can tell him anything. It was just a long journey to get here.

Anyways. That wasn't exactly where I was intending on going. Alright, awkward for me or not, I have to remind myself of who I am in God's eyes. Siggghhh.

I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am wonderful. I am His child. He loves me beyond what I can even imagine. He likes my hair. He likes my eyes. He likes my nose and my feet. He thinks I'm funny. He likes how I let him in. He likes how I love him. He sees my love for others (that he put inside of me) and he likes it. He thinks I'm kind. He loves how I do devos. He loves how I seek him. He loves me no matter what I do. Even when I make a mistake, when I hurt someone's feelings, or when I make a stupid comment, He is still crazy about me. He still persues after me every day. He still loves me and desires to be with me. With me personally. With who I am. No matter if I'm wearing makeup, have my hair done, or am wearing fancy clothes.. or not. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. He loves me for me. And he thinks I'm awesome.

So why should I think any less of myself??

A "Because" List.

Things that I can do to further improve my mood:

Sleep more - go to bed earlier
Listen to postive music - no more break up songs!
Eat breakfest - Jack wins this time
Drink coffee, but dont rely on it - there is a crash
Get off the computer - like right now
Stop day dreaming - I’m a little obsessed with now.
Talk to more postive people - Love all of you, but you affect my mood
Get up on time - Also goes with the whole new “sleeping” concept

I think that’s good for now :) Hold it to me, friends

Sleep Walking.

It’s easy. It’s soo easy to just act depressed; like everything is going wrong. It’s so easy to keep it short with people. It’s so easy to just whine. It’s so easy to frown. It’s so easy, it’s scary. And I know I’m not the only one who realizes this. When I’m in a bad mood, it scares me to be honest. I hate being in a mad/sad mood. But it’s so easy to just sit there and not go anywhere or do anything.

I just want to sit and cry and allow my thoughts to remain on what is going wrong. Believe me, there is a lot! I hate to say it, but it’s true. My life isn’t perfect. No one’s is. We all have pains, struggles, hurts, and hardships. All of us.

But I dont want to just sit here and stay sad. I dont want to be fake and pretend like everything is okay, but being a drama queen wont help anything. If I want help or advice, I should just ask for it. If I want someone to cry with me, I should just ask for it. It’s not like I dont have friends who would be willing! I dont know why I dont like to ask someone if I can vent out to them. It’s hard for me to find someone to talk to. It’s not that I dont trust people. I dont know what it is.

Everyone goes through bad moods, has bad days, and gets hurt. It’s just because of the world we live in. It’s broken. But we can grow through these times. But with these moods, days, and hurt, we have a choice:

we can sit and complain all day or we can do something about it.

Like I said, it’s easy to just sit and complain. But where will that get me? Not very far at all. I might feel better after I get it all out, but then what? Keep doing it until I somehow feel better? It doesnt work like that. If you always have negative thoughts, wouldn’t that affect your mood? It makes sense to me.

It’s hard. It’s very hard to choose to think about the positives. But it will help me. It will make me realize how selfish I have been. Which is a good thing. Because once I realize it, I can change it. I dont want to be selfish. Who wants to be friends with someone who is constantly selfish? Not very many people.

I’ve been having a bad week. Nothing in particular, but everything in general. It seems like a lot of things are going wrong. I dont know why. I dont know what is going wrong specifically. It’s just one of those weeks, you know?

And I’ve been feeling it lately. It’s been hitting hard. Some friends change, leave, lie, are selfish, and some just dont care. That’s not to say that all my friends are! No way. Most of my friends are just amazing people whom I love soo much. I love all of my friends to be honest. But lately, I’ve been hurt by friends without them realizing it. I guess I could just sit here and go on and on about how much they’ve hurt me. But that would not be fun, nor would it be right. I love those people. I hate talking about people behind their backs. I always feel uncomfortable! I just dont like it at all. And I dont want to always focus on it. I have already thought about it. I have already complained about it. I shouldn’t just sit here and do nothing. If I want something to change, I should confront these people.

It’s so hard! If I’m going to be honest, I dont want to. At all. I hate confronting people because I feel like a jerk. But I’m not a jerk for being honest and wanting to better our relationship. Otherwise, I’ll get bitter and things wont go right at all.

I just dont see the point in publicizing my hurts. I dont want to depress everyone! And I dont want to seem desperate for attention. I dont think people truly know me. Not very many people know much about me. I’m not blaming them, I’m just making a statement. It’s not bad or good. It just is, I guess. I think a lot of people see who I am and make assumptions. I mean, I dont blame them when I do the same thing. And I dont think it’s bad things. It’s probably like “wow, she’s happy all the time. She is always smiling” or whatever. Which is true. I am happy most of the time and I do smile a lot. Because I dont focus on the bad stuff in life.

If I really wanted to, I could just sit in the corner and cry all day long. I could never smile, never laugh, never have fun. But, what would be the point in that? I dont get it! I dont mean to say “hey guys, fake it! just smile and it’ll be okay” NO! Not at all. Be real. But dont dwell on the negative. It will affect your mood and who hang out with you. If you need encouragment, help, advice, love or anything I know people will be willing to give it out. I know I will be. It doesn’t matter who you are.

This turned into something way longer than I had anticipated. Opps. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

And to think this all started with me wanted to tweet something semi-depressing. :) My mind truly does like to ponder things

Remember.

Now it all comes back to me now. This is why I’m never home and why I always busy myself. For some reason, when I’m home, I get in the worst moods. The weird thing is that it has nothing to do with my family. I guess it’s because I have time to think. Not to be depressing, but things aren’t always happy&bright. And I guess I dont focus on those things when I’m busy and when I’m with friends. I focus on the wonderful things in life. But when I’m just sitting here in my room like now, not doing anything, I have time to think. And my thoughts aren’t very positive all the time.

I’ve just been looking at myspace for the past few minutes. I haven’t been on there since forever ago! It made me laugh when I thought about logging on. But once I did, I didn’t exactly smile anymore. I just saw my friend’s profile of whom I dont realy talk to anymore. And it hurts to see how much people change.

I also saw one of my friend’s status and I got in a really irascible mood. I’m so confused! She is someone whom I love. Lately things have been so hard. It’s been hard to put into words. I dont like to talk about her because it ends up being gossip. And I hate gossip. So it’s hard for me to talk about it! I need to though. Ahh!!

I dont know if thinking through these things is a good thing or not. But it just gets me in a really bad mood. I’m sick of everything right now. And I dont know why. I’m irritable and I just want to be alone. I’m such a girl!!

Another thing: why do swear words have to be bad? Ah! I know I’m going to sound really dumb, but I dont care.. I wish I could curse. I wish I could say those words and not have a guilty conscious. I wish. Sometimes, when I’m in a bad mood, I just wish I could get away with a lot of things. I just want to slip into the easy way of life. I’m struggling. It’s so hard to keep up with God. It’s so hard to live like He did. It’s so hard to set an example. It’s so hard to be perfect. It’s so hard period.

I guess I know what I need to do: pray, get out of the muck of being iritable (it’s dangerous), be real, talk about it, read what God has to say about it, LISTEN and not just hear what He has to say, etc. I know what I should do. It’s a matter of just doing it that is the problem. I know that I dont have to be perfect. I know that I dont want to use words that dont resemble who Jesus is.

Having a bad mood will come once in a while. To everyone. But it’s my volition whether I let it affect me or not. It’s my volition as to if I continue to sit in that mad mood and just moop. It’s my choice. I have a brain.

I choose to get out of it. Ugh, I dont want to! I can be stubborn. Although it’s easy to sit in my room right now and just rant on how awful my life is, it’s not going to get anywhere. No matter how long my complaint list is, nothing will be done until I start doing something to change it.

And I know I dont have to go it alone. Jesus wants to help me. And He is the best person who can do the job. Alright. Let’s get out of this bad mood together, Jesus. I love you, man. Thanks so much for helping me. I cannot get enough of you.

Wishing.

So sometimes I wish I had a genie to grant me 3 wishes. Actually, in all honesty, I would want more than just three because hey, I'm selfish. But regardless, I would want three wishes. One of them being perfection. Perfectiong for myself, my family, my situations, my thoughts, and my world. But obviously I dont have a genie. Otherwise, I would be very rich!

I spend too much time wishing and not enough time praying. I waste all my time daydreaming about "if only" or "if when" or "if this happens.." or "if I had this.." You get the picture! That's just something that God has been telling me lately: stop wishing and start praying & making a difference. Because prayer is soo powerful. And I think I underestimate its power most times. That's a long story and it's not where I was planning on going with this blog! Another time, my dear blogspot.

I have a lot of maturing to do. I have realized in the past few days how immature I truly am. And yeah, I've never truly seen myself as "fully mature" but dang! God really opened my eyes tonight. It was good though. He showed me areas in my life that I need to work on. One of them is maturity. I have to watch my mouth. It's one thing to make a joke, it's another to take it too far.

Another thing God showed me just an hour ago: Stop pouting! Dont just look at what is going in your life, but think about things from a bigger perspective. My mom wasn't sure about letting me have coffee with a good friend when he had questions about Jesus because of multiple reasons. And my initial reaction: I'm old enough to take it. I know what I'm doing. I am a big girl now. I can handle it, mom. Why dont you trust me?

But that wasn't a good reaction. It was selfish. But after I had my time of pouting, God told me a few words! I had asked him to talk to me tonight. Boy, did he ever. He reminded me, in a loving way, to pray about it. If He wants me to help my friend, I'll be able to. But it's not ME who is doing the saving, it is God. Not me. And I had to be reminded of that. Yes, I can help him, but no it is not ultimately me who grabs ahold of his heart. It's Jesus. And it's my friend's decision. Not mine. I am simply a servant for Jesus. And if Jesus uses me, what an honor! But it's up to him, not me. It was a good reminder!

There are so many thoughts going on in my head right now. I'm stressing out. I work a lot again this week. It's a good thing! I know it is. It just cuts into my school & social lives. I also am scheduled to work on a night of a choir concert. A big one. And now I have to tell my boss that I cant work that day. Man, I hope things go smoothly!

I'm going to bed. I need some sleep. Dear Jesus, I love you. This week is yours, as crazy as it is. Whatever you want, I'm down. Take my life and all that is in it. I wanna live for you. Rid me of all that gross sin and evil. Thank you for forgiving me always. Thank you for loving me. You are incredible. I love you! .. again.

Woosh!

I feel a storm coming on in my life. I dont know why or what it is or when it will be. But I know one is coming. Tonight was just what I needed to hear. I should start preparing right now. God, help me. I trust you.

Shopping.

So I had been debating whether to blog about my today or not, but I guess my desires to write caved in. I just love to write. And I love to think. And blogging is a good combination of both.

Today, I woke up at 7:50am. Which is early for me on a Saturday! If I dont have to be anywhere, I usually sleep in until 12. But I was late! I was supposed to be at Caytie's house at 8am. But, of course, I was late. Once I arrived, I had a wonderful time. I seriously love that lady. We can talk about anything and everything for hours on end without a break. There's just so much to talk about! I love it. Her mom even set up a tea party kind of setting for us. It was too cute. I love that family!

After that, I rushed to work. But I wasn't late! I am always worried that I'll be late.. but I dont think I have ever been late before. Which is good! Anyways, it was really busy. But it's a good thing. I'm not complaining. I am definitely blessed to have a job in the first place. My coworkers are too funny. They are a blast to work with.

I ended up staying 25 minutes over time because of a surprise rush. Positive thinking: more money for me. ;)

I went home right after that. I took the long way home: pulled down my hair and drove past the beach. It was so beautiful outside! The water was absolutely gorgeous. I only wished I could have stayed and played in the sand and water. It made me excited for summer and all of its long days in the sun.

My mommy took me shopping after I came home! It was kind of crazy because I only had 10 minutes of downtime, but I cant complain. We had a successful shopping trip! I even saw my good friend, Sharmaine, there. Haha, I didn't get to talk to her, however, because I was confused as to whether it was her or not. Good stuff.

The best part of my day, however, was just talking to my mom. I have to admit, I had been scared of my mom before. I felt like I had to be someone in front of her, like I couldn't be a teenager, but someone older and more mature. Dont ask me why, because I truly dont know. But regardless, I just let loose and was myself today. And my mom and I really connected. I noticed how similar we are. The big one for me was that we both like to go against the crowd. And not in like a "i'm going to dye my hair purple and wear garbage bags as a dress" kind of thing! But more in little ways.

And I got to share a lot about myself and my thoughts and my life. It's not that I dont share things with my mom, but not like I did today. It was deeper and more personal. It were things that only two of my friends know about. It were things that I dont like to share. But the best part was that it was so easy to talk about it with my mom. It didn't feel awkward or pressured.. it just came out because I was comfortable with her.

Anyways. I got to bond with my mommy and it was soo good. I missed talking to her. In a big family and a crazy busy life, I dont get to talk to her much anymore. I love her! She is definitely a huggeee blessing in my life. I'm proud that I am like her. It makes me hope that I'll be like her when I am older.

Artificial Flavor.

I feel so fake sometimes. I feel like that artificial flavoring on candies that you eat: good for 5 minutes, but they dont last. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like I can say all the right words, but I dont live them out. Or I dont believe them all myself.

Like tonight, I went to ice cream with *name unmentioned so we will go with Susie* and then I went on yet another drive by myself and it opened my eyes up. Ice cream with Susie went well. Except for one thing: we talked about Susie the whole time. Don't get me wrong: I love Susie. I don't know where I would be without her. But let's just say that I had a talk with Jesus about her and about what to do.

Which leads into my drive. I drove nowhere and everywhere. Yeah, it's one of those nights. So I just turned off my music and just talked to God and listened. I guess you could say that I have not been "feeling" God lately. And it's a good thing in disguise. It means that my faith is maturing and growing, but it's hard sometimes. Not feeling Him makes me slip into my old habbits of doubt. And I confesssed it to God tonight. And it would seem pretty silly to be praying to God about doubting him.. But I know that He is real.

It's a fact: not an opinion.

It was just reassuring to get it all out in the open: I dont need to be fake. I dont need to hide behind a face. I dont need to pretend to have it all together. I'm a wreck! And it's okay. Because Jesus knows how to put it all together for me. And I'm gladly giving it over to Him: each and every day. Not always easy, but definitely for the best.

The song "The Motions" by Matthew West came on. Wow. Can you talk about a better song that speaks my heart? Probably. haha But regardless, this song helps me out each time I listen to it. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to feel something. I want that passion, desire, hunger, and burning love for my Jesus. It seems so routine lately. It feels so plain. It's not passionate like it used to be. It's a problem.

God usually works in small bits with me. Little bit of love at a time. It isn't based on emotions: it is based on fact and relationship. And it's the perfect thing for me. If I were to have that "Jesus high" I would crash and burn. It would be one ugly sight. But instead, God works all things for my good... which includes small babysteps. I'm so grateful for a God that looks out for my best interests.

I pray for that passion and that desire for Him. But if he wants to take things slow, it's for the best. That way, I wont base our relationship on emotions and feelings.

Man. I sound like such a high school girl! Maybe being one is a good excuse.. Just maybe.

Dear Jesus, I love you. Love is such a wonderful thing. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a commitment. And I commit to you. Because I know that you loved and commited to me first. You knew me before I was born. You know what I will do tomorrow. You know when I'll wake up and when I'll fall asleep. You care about me. You care about the littlest things in my life. You genuinely care. You take interest in my life. You hold me close when I need you. And through the hard times in my life, you carry me. You dont let me go it alone. You are consistant. You are there. You are real. You are evident in my life and the lives of those around me. This world is not here forever. It wants to pull me down. And most days, it does a good job. God, you want to build me up. You want the best for me. My life is all yours. Take it from me! I love you so much. Please use me. Give me your wisdom: I dont want to speak with my own words.. things could get messy. I am yours. All of me is all yours. Do whatever you want. Like I said, you know what's best. You got this. I trust you. Thanks for everything. Talk to you soon. Love you.

Underappreciated.

That's a good word. That definitely describes my mood lately. Not that I need to be praised every day, but it just seems as though a lot of people take advantage of me.

And the same verse keeps coming back to my mind this past week: love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you.

Ahh, sometimes I seriously want to rip that part out of the Bible and pretend like it was never there so that I dont have to follow it! It is definitely hard. All those people that intentionally talk behind my back, crush my self esteem, and those who use me and take advantage of me, they need prayer and love the most.

And Jesus would show them love. He showed me love when I was still a sinner. And He did it willingly. Why should I be any less enthusiastic about suffering for others who persecute me on a much smaller scale?

Alright. Enough blogging. It's time for me to live this out. I'm ready to go love some people who need it. Well, I suppose sleeping would be a good idea, too.

Respect.

They say you learn something new every day.

Well then today I learned more than just something. Dont be intimidated by a specific person. I think I struggle with this a lot more than I realize. Which is weird if you think about it. haha. Anyways. I care too much about what others think about me. I am constantly comparing myself to others. But this isn't to say that it is all bad. It helps me improve myself, too. But I need to keep it regulated.

If I really respect someone, I dont want them to know what I'm thinking.. in case they dont agree with me. Ever been there? Dont tell me I'm alone! I know I'm not.

It's something that I need to surrender daily. If I feel some way about something, it's okay if someone that I respect disagrees with me. None of us are perfect! Not me. Not that person. Which is a good thing. It creates good conversation.

I just gotta constantly be reminded of who I am in God's eyes. He cares about my thoughts. What an absolutely amazing thing to say. Every day, I have to remind myself of who I am in God. That's where I find my identity, not others.

I am his daughter. It never ceases to amaze me.