Galations 5:6

”..What is important is faith expressing itself in love.”

Faith is so important. It can heal, bring life, change lives, move mountains; anything. It is powerful. It is real. It is honest. It is essential in one’s life.

It’s so easy for me to forget what Jesus did for me. He willingly gave up his life to save me from utter death & destruction. He did it in love. I need to remind myself constantly of what He did: not to guilt myself, but to remember why I even have faith.

However, faith isn’t important if there is no love. Love covers all things. Love is the center of you and me. It’s the only reason you & I exist. No, I dont mean your parents having sex or ‘making love.’ I mean the love that God had to even create each one of us. He didn’t have to. But he wanted to! He loved you even before you were created. I wish everyone - including myself - actually knew what that meant. It’s too much for us to grasp.

Do all things in love. Live a life full of love. Let love be the reason for every action, thought, and word. It’s not about perfection. It’s not about a check list. It’s about your heart.

Galations 4:9
“So now that you know God (or should I say, now that God knows you), why do you want to go back again to become slaves once more to the weak & useless spiritual principles of this world?”

It’s so easy to give in. Love in this society isn’t looked upon as a good thing. If you were to express love to someone who isn’t ‘up to par,’ you would surely feel the consequences. But we dont live for this world! :D Thank God. This world scares me sometimes. It’s selfish & hurtful. But we aren’t bound by this standard, we are called for something different. We have a purpose!! To love those around us and to love ourselves. But more importantly, love God.

And once we truly fall in love with God, we begin to experience change in our whole lives. We love & respect ourselves and we love those around us. We aren’t perfect all of a sudden, but we have a reason to live.

Love is the basis for life. Keep loving as a lifestyle.

Love because God loves us first.. even when we don’t love him back.

I've Got Nothing Without You.

It’s crazy how a new mindset can affect my day.

Listening to uplifting music.
Talking with good people.
Getting coffee <3
Seeing my wifey! (hahaha!)
Driving in general
even if it’s only 5 minutes to & fro somewhere
Not worrying
Giving it to God
Being honest
Being real
Not caring about how I look
Seeing friends I haven’t seen in a while
Working
Meeting some super cute kittens
Seeing my third mother!
Making plans
Singing so much it hurt
Being myself
Wearing something bright even if the weather isn’t
Feeling good about myself
Getting homework done .. kind of
Pumped for shopping tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was a good day. It feels good to remind myself of the good things that happened today. Because when I take the time, a lot of good happens in one day. And I usually miss it. Not always easy, but always worth it. Tomorrow will be a good day, too. After all, each day is a blessing and not a right.

So.. thanks Jesus for today! Even if it wasn’t perfect. I know you have definitely thrown in blessings no matter what happened or will happen. Thanks for loving me unconditionally and consistantly. Thanks for listening to me even when I don’t listen to you. Thanks for always just being you. I can count on you and trust you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me. You are the man.

Just Breathe.

“It doesn’t matter what people think.”

Wow, one would only be the 360,982,769,274,609,726,097,260,972,697,286th person to say that in my life!! Not to even mention how many times a day I tell myself that. But it’s soo much harder to live than it is to say it.

But I wont lie: it’s something I seriously struggle with.

There are things that certain people say or do that just get me. Their words &/or actions just pierce me. And the trouble is, I can’t get it out of my head. I dwell on those thoughts. And I overthink it!

Not okay. I let it affect me or my mood. I make it into it being about myself.. somehow! I’m not even sure how that happens. It could be soo far from being about me, and somehow, I connect it to being about me. I blame myself, I blame others, I pity myself.

Then I get frusterated. Because I had just spent all this time defending myself. Then what? Well.. nothing really. Except frusteration, getting discouraged, and exhaustion! Hmm, that doesn’t sound very fun. Not to me, at least. I’d rather not be frusterated. I hate it!

People’s opinions change daily. It depends on our mood, our situation, our maturity level, etc. I tell others that a lot. But what about telling myself? I do, for sure. But taking it to heart is a whole different story.

I’m not here to live for people. I’m not here to please the people around me. They are just as broken as I am. They are just as in need of help as I am. They are all searching for the same thing I am: hope. We are all in need of love. We are also designed to worship something.

For some, it may be food. It could be school. It could be money. It could be popularity. It could be oneself. It could be housing. It could be cars. It could be lust. It could be sex. It could be board games. It could be tv.

For me? It’s people.

Pretty ironic, huh? I love people so much. Almost too much. There is a point where I have to watch out for myself. There is also a point to stop loving people more than God. Wow, not good at all. Not okay. It’s dangerous! People are just that: people. Broken, pained, hurt, and imperfect people. And yet I worship them! Why the heck I do it? Well, there are many reasons. But for the most part it’s because I myself am broken and people are something that I can easily obtain & see. I can appear strong & invinsible.

As opposed to the God that I should worship. He knows that I’m not strong. I’m weak. He knows that I’m flawed. He knows it all. But he doesn’t expect me to be strong or perfect. He wants me just as I am: completely broken and messy. He cleans up messes. He heals my wounds. He loves me reguardless of where I have been or where I am. I dont need to come to him as a perfect little Christian girl. I dont need to come to him with my life figured out. Heck, I dont need to come to him with myself figured out.

Because most of the time, I dont.

He wants me to come just as I am. Which is soo refreshing. He wants to take my burdens away. He doesn’t want me to carry them. I dont want to carry them either. He wants me to surrender everything up to him. And why wouldn’t I? He is God!! He is definitely in control and is in charge. I trust him.

Soo.. why do I live for people again? Ha, what a silly question. I live for my Jesus. He is worthy. I may get sidetracked, but God always brings me back on track.

Sorry, my friends, I dont live for you. I dont live to please you. I will let you down just like you have let me down. So please dont live for me either. I wont satisfy you and neither will you satisfy me. So let’s stop this never-ending cycle! I wanna live for something worthy: God.

Because why wouldn’t you trust your life to the very One who gave it to you in the first place?

Emotional Days.

Soo. I feel like I’ve been getting off track a lot.

I always hope & wish for someone to text me, call me, msn me, facebook me, etc and just ask me how I am. Genuinely. And then talk about me & my problems. I wished for that for so long. I hoped that someone would come up to me and pray for me. I wished for someone to tell me that they pray for me.

But yesterday, I came to the conclusion that first of all, there are people who care about me & my problems genuinely. But more than that, I dont live for people.

(I can go into detail, but I wanna save that for a face-to-face conversation.)

I am not alone. I never have been. Yeah, I’ve been saying that my whole life. But I took it to heart just recently. God cares about my problems. I dont have to rely on people all the time, they will fail me. But God wont. He has been faithfully listening to me. He loves me. He asks me how I am. He cares about my rants. He wants to hear my complaints.

And more than that, he wants to get me out of the rut. He wants to encourage me. He wants to open my eyes up to what IS going right, rather than what is going wrong. He always reminds me of his love. And He always gets me outta that bad mood.

It’s incredible, really. He cares so much about me. And even when I dont feel that people do, I know he does. He focuses on me. He is proud of me! AH, incredible stuff!! I can’t believe it, but I do.

So I dont have to worry about what people think of me. I dont have to worry about who is going to ask me how I am today. I dont have to worry about not feeling loved. Because I am. I dont have to worry about tomorrow. I dont have to worry about tonight! And I dont have to worry about if someone cares.

Because Jesus always has.

"I Just Love You!"

It’s crazy how the image of love is completely skewed nowadays. It’s just that- image. Sad. Love is more than appearance. More than having sex. And it’s definitely more than a phrase we use daily.


”.. Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” -John 15:12-13


That’s exactly what he did for you. Not to make you guilty, but to free you from that guilt. He loves you so incredibly much that he gave all that he had: his life, his all. And he was so powerful that not even death could hold him down. Why did he do it? Why go through the pain? For you. He loves you THAT much. He knew you would sin, mess up, & fall. That didn’t stop him. Never has, never will. That love that he has for you is commitment. Not easy or a breeze, but always there. Why wouldn’t you except that love? Even when no one has loved you, He has.


“And I am convinced that nothing can ever seperate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can seperate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to seperate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39


Nothing. His love goes beyond all we can imagine. He chases after us. Even though we don’t deserve it. That’s dedication. Stop putting your faith in people. They will let you down. Our love will fluctuate, but His never ever will. He is constant and so us his faithful love. Whew, I need it!


“Dont just pretend to love others. Really love them..” -Romans 12:9

Thoughts.

So for like the past week I have been wanting to blog about my thoughts. But every time I had the opportunity, I would start it out wrong. I would say something that wasn’t right and I would get confused and just stop altogether. But I think I’ll press through this one. Sooo we shall see how confusing and crazy it gets.

I had a sleepover with my amazing friend Allison on Saturday night. It was soo good. We stayed up until 4am just talking about a lot of different things. But I realized something about myself as I was reflecting.. I cant seem to express my thoughts very well. And I dont know why.

Another example was this morning at devos with the group. I had all of these thoughts in my head about the verse that I read and I wrote a summery of it on the paper since I got distracted super easily. But when it came time for me to share, it came out all.. well.. unintelligent! It didn’t make any sense. And I thought.. wow, why was that so hard for me? It’s not that I dont trust these people. I just didn’t know how to word my thoughts.

And I guess it could be because I dont want to spend an hour talking about me. Which is really how long it would take if I were to tell someone my thoughts. Which is a long time for one to talk about oneself! I need to try though. I need to get out my thoughts. It’s easy for me to talk about someone and give advice and my thoughts about that. But when it comes to me and what I’m thinking about.. well golly, I dont know where to start.

This got me thinking: what do I spend my time thinking about? And it took a while for me to think about this one. I really had no idea. I couldn’t pin point one specific topic that I rest my thoughts upon. And to be honest, it kind of made me go crazy! I then analyzed everything I thought about in a day. Not in a bad way, but I guess I just wanted to know what I truly spend my time thinking

I came to the conclusion.. that I have no idea. Still! I think about a lot of things. Things going on right in front of me, friendships, friend’s issues, my family, school, my future, my past, old friends of whom I dont speak to anymore, and the list goes on and on and on! And then I think about blogs. I seriously write a blog in my head every day. I just dont post them because I’m never home! Which is kind of weird to say.. but oh well.

I guess I’ve been troubled with what I think about. And I was thining today about how I can never express my thoughts outloud in a way that makes sense to even me. And I got worried! I felt like a little isolated child that cant speak right. But one of my good, awesome friends Phil was saying how practice makes perfect. And it was such a simple phrase! But there was soo much truth in that. I really do need to go out there and talk to people about my thoughts. I need to take the initiative and be bold. I get so scared to talk to people about my problems first because I dont want to bug them or, if I’m being honest, I dont trust their judgment.

But I need to stop! It’s not healthy for me. I cant always to be scared and keep everything inside. I have people that I trust and that I know will listen to me. And I need to get over the fact that I’m scared! It wont do anything. I have people who want to help me and are there for me. And I need to take advantage of that. :)

Sooo thanks to all of you who have said “I’m here for you.” Such a common phrase means the world to me. And I want to take advantage of it! I trust that you will be there for me. And I want to talk to you guys about my thoughts if you are willing to listen and give your input

The Best Thing.

The best thing about friendship, in my opinion?
Well, I’ll just be honest and say that I can’t narrow it down to one thing.


But one of the most amazing things to me is trust. It’s such a powerful thing when I think about it. I trust this person so much that I dont mind sharing everything about myself. I trust not only that they wont tell anyone, but that they will still love me the way that they did beforehand. I trust that they will be honest with me. I trust what they will say. I trust them period.


And I think that’s what gets me in such awe when people talk to me about their problems. Or when they just talk to me about anything seriously. I went to Starbucks today with the intent on being alone, doing some devos, and just relaxing. But then Jemily asked me to join her. Which pretty much made my day, just saying. And we sit there and talk about a lot of things! We laugh and have such a good time. but we also talk about some serious stuff. And I still get amazed that she trusted me enough to talk about some of the stuff that she did.


Not that I’m this untrustworthy person! I sure hope people can trust me. But every time something happens like that, it just make my day. My love for them has grown even more! If possible!! It makes me feel worthy of something. Like I’m not just wasting my time doing nothing. Although, I do feel bad if I dont know what to say. But I have to remember that just listening is a big thing, too. I know that when someone just listens to me, it means the world. So I just have to remember the other end of things, I guess.


Wow. This is kind of a wreck. But I guess it’s your choice whether you wanted to read this! :) I just love my friends. I love Jemily. I love it when people open up. I LOOVVEEE it when people are real (stop being fake!). I love it when people can talk about things. It does wonders. And I love that I can be a part of it.

I love you guys. :) Honestly. If you dont feel like I do, let’s hang out more. Let me prove it.

Whew.

So I started to blog today. And I just wrote this HUGE blog about the frusterations that were bothering me as of that moment. But I knew I wouldn’t post it: there were things in there that were just rude & not necessary. So I went upstairs to have dinner with my family. And I’m just not in the mood. I’m just drained and I’m exhausted. From a lot of different things.

But then I start to think about it: I’m being really selfish right now. I dont need to bash these people because I’m feeling frusterated. In fact, things would only get worse if I had posted that blog. What I said was based off of what I was feeling in the moment, and not the facts of what was ACTUALLY happening. Sure, that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. But it doesn’t give me an excuse to be brutal with my words.

Sooo here comes the revelation.. I need to control what I say when I’m in a bad mood. Because yes, bad moods come.. a little more often lately.. but they also pass. And it’s my choice to acts upon my bad mood or fight against it. Because let’s just be honest: it’s easy to cuse someone out when you’re angry, yes? It’s easy to ignore someone. It’s easy to use all your angry and frusterations and just pour them out on someone who was in your way at the wrong time.

But it’s only easy for 2 seconds. Then what satisfaction do you get? Nothing. You dont get anything from it. You just ruined that kid’s self-esteem. Or worse. And when I say “you” I am referring to myself. Not that I cuss people out, but I have moments of desiring to do so.

It’s a good habbit to surrender it all to Jesus. I know that he wants to get me out of that bad mood. I know that he doesn’t want me to dwell on the mean thoughts that tend to consume my brain. I know that he wants to free me from all of these frustrations. So why wouldn’t I let him? Why would I even want to hold on to that anger? I have someone who is willing to take it away. Sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.

Good thing it’s available everday to anyone who wants it

Throw Up.

I am so unbelievably angry right now. I do not get angry often. At all. And I definitely dont use the word “hate.” I mean, I might as a joke or something. But to me, hate is such a strong word. But right now, I seriously hate this world. It makes me sick.

It hit me today: twice. I heard a story about a man killing his coworker over a girl he met online. Yeah, that might be gossip. But my uncle isn’t too far from doing the same thing. And I learned my friend was raped by four guys last month.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Evil. Gross. Malicious.

Do those guys even know what they did to her? Not just physically. Although those scares will be there for a long time. So will the ones in her mind.

She could have died.

It just makes me so disgusted in the world that I live in. How can this even happen? I can’t even think about it. I get so angry, so bitter, so ugly when I think about it. Those guys are just repulsive. I can say a whole lot more, but I really dont want to lose it.

She just layed there. She couldn’t do anything. She was powerless. She was defensless. She was helpeless. Her life was in the hands of someone else: someone with the intention of getting his sexual desires fulfilled. It’s beyond selfish. All four of them forced her. She had no choice. She didn’t have a say.

She doesn’t deserve it. No one knows her. No one cares about her. She’s the girl that sits in the corner with her odd friend. She’s the girl that no one wants to get to know. She’s the girl that texts me at least 10 times in one day just looking for attention, affection, love. She’s the girl that is the hardest to love. She’s the girl that needs it the most.

Suddenly, my worries just went out the window. Who will I hang out with on tour? What if they dont like me? Did I really just bomb that test? What do they really think about me? I didn’t study for my midterm! I am so hungry. I want someone to love me. Does this shirt match my jacket?

All gone. Am I really that shallow? Do I really waste my time thinking about what others think about me? Do I really spend that much time focusing on things that dont even matter? I thought I was deeper than that.

It was a good wakeup call. Not that I wanted this to happen. But I cant take it back. No one can. I thought she was being dramatic when she said she was depressed over her fish dying. It all makes sense now. She always made a point to tell me that she loved me. I see why now. She always looked for attention, affection, love. I see why.

She would always hold on to hope. She always looked at God as her maine source of life. She was encouraging. God was holding her. No, he didn’t cause that to happen to her. Not at all. She doesn’t blame Him. She even forgives those.. “jerks.” If that word even does it justice. I would love to just speak my mind about those guys. But I wont.

God is faithful. Even in the hard things. He is still the same before and after the rape & abuse. He will always be the wonderful, loving God. He protected her from death. And she realizes it. Which is incredible.

I love her. So does God. Which is mind blowing if we truly sit down and think about it

God Knows What's Up.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I’m not so sure I can put tonight into words. But I’ll try, I suppose.

Ah, I just can’t get over it. So I come early to speak to Angel with my good friend Keriann. But it doesn’t happen. So I get a little bummed and so extremely nervous. Because I hate being mean. Even if it’s not mean. Anyways, that’s a huge, long, exhausting story. Regardless: I enter pre-service prayer. I am surrounded by the most amazing people I know. Their hearts for God is just inspiring. And I love them!!

So I sit down and just start being honest & real with God. I talk about the things that I have done and beg for forgiveness. I wouldn’t say I was focusing on the negative, but I wanted to let God know that I am sorry and that I want forgivness. I know that he gives it so freely when I ask. So I ask. And I praise him for who he is.

Well, right in the middle of it, Jessica comes up from behind me and asks if it’s okay if she can pray for me. umm, did she need to ask?! :) I love that lady so much. She inspries me for sure. She helped me out with so much in the past few years that I’ve known her.

So she prays. I listen. I am in awe of how God was speaking to me through her. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it amazes me still. She prayed that I dont hold on to resentment, that I let it go, that I be healed, and that I know that he is proud of me. Not only was that the perfect thing for God to say, but it was the perfect thing to hear from Jessica herself.

She said how she was proud of me. That she has been watching how I pour out to others. She said that she has been praying for me since the day that she met me. She said that she saw Jesus in my life since that same day. She said that she believed in me. She said that she saw the encouragment that is from God inside of me. She understood that it was exhausting and hard sometimes. She told me that she loved me. She was so enthusiastic. She told me that I was called to be a leader. She said that God was sooo stinking proud of me.

And it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was incredible. I wanted to cry I was so overwhelmed. It meant so much to me. I’ve been so hard on myself lately. It was freeing to know that my God, the perfect one who saved me, is proud of me. He loves me through anything. Mind. Blown.

He put a verse on my heart, too. He has been doing that lately. But all I could remember was that it had the words “yoke” “burden” “light” and “easy.” haha an odd mix of words, but I couldn’t remember which one was light and which one was easy. And then I come on here to see that Lyndsey put it at the end of her post.

Alright. Silly example, I know. But I prayed about it during youth group. I was like “what the heck did it say?! God, please show me. Thanks!” And then it kind of slipped my mind. Crazy how it happened only an hour later!

Ahh, I love Him.

Personal.

O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
dont let me be disgraced
Save me and rescue me,
for you do what is right.
Turn your ear to listen to me,
and set me free.
Be my rock of safety
where I an always hide.
Give the order to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
My God, rescue me from the power of the wicked,
from the clutches of cruel oppressors.
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and protection.
That is why I can never stop praising you;
I declare your glory all day long.
…
Dont abandon me when my strength is failing.
For my enemies are whispering against me.
They are plotting together to kill me.
They say, “God has abandoned *her.
Let’s go and get her,
for no one will help her now.”

O God, dont stay away.
My God, please hurry to help me.
…
But I will keep on hoping for your help;
I will praise you more and more.
I will tell everyone about your righteousness.
All day long I will proclaim your saving power,
though I am not skilled with words.
I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord.
I will tell everyone that you alone are just.

O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,
and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.
…
Let me proclaimm your power to this new generation
your mighty miracles to all who come after me.

Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.
You have done such wonderful things.
Who can compare with you, O God?
You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
but you will restore me to life again
and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
You will restore me to even greater honor
and comfort me once again…

- Pslam 71

Real.

Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire
I cant find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen from weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
Dont let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
.. Dont let me cause them to be humiliated..
For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
Even my own brothers pretend they dont know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you
have fallen on me.
When I weep & fast,
they scoff at me.
When I dress .. to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
I am a favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping that this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mud;
dont let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me
and pull me from the deep waters.
Dont let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
take care of me, for your mercy is plentiful.
Dont hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

… Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisioned people.

-Psalm 69:1-18, 32-33

Ventation.

**Read at your own risk

I hate talking to him. My dad. And above that, I hate that I hate talking to him. I hate that I cant have a normal conversation with him. I hate that I can't just talk about something to him. He always has something negative to say. There is always something that I'm doing wrong. I'm never in the right mind set. I'm never saying the right words. I'm never seeing the other side. I'm never ever doing it right. Or the way that he thinks it should be done.

I hate how I make him sound like the worst person in the world when he isn't. I'm never good enough. And he doesn't say those exact words. He doesn't need to. He isn't an awful person. I love my dad. But he is big into perfection. And he wont admit it. He will say that I'm good enough or that he loves me. But it's hard to believe without the actions to back it up.

Like I said before, I never saw him as a child. So in all honesty, I dont really know who he is anymore.

I never vent. It's not good. But when I do to my dad, he doesn't just sit and listen. Which is what I need sometimes. Not all the time. I realize that I need to hear the hard things as well. But for my dad it's different. It feels as though all that he does is tell me what I need to fix or what I need to realize. I dont get the support that I need. I dont trust him. And that scares me. A lot.

I feel like such a drama queen. I never talk about my problems and so when it catches up with me, things explode way out of porportions. I'm just on stress overload and I need to calm down. I just had to blog about it. It has been bugging me for a long time.

Peace. God's been trying to tell me that lately: He is willing to give it to me when I ask. It's out of this world. I can't comprehend it. I want it. I need it. And He wont let me down. I'm ready for some peace, Jesus. Sorry it took me so long to ask you.

Ugh.

I am kind of disgusted right now. I hate how everywhere I go in life, there will always be drama. It's like high school never ends. I know it's not just me either. Everyone has it in their lives. It's inevitable.

So what do I do? It's my fault. Well, not really. But kind of. I dont exactly oppose drama. I like to keep up with my friends. I ask them how they are doing, and I guess I just basically ask what the new drama is. And I dont mean to! I truly dont. I dont need more drama in my life. I guess it goes hand in hand with the "how are you doing" question.

Which brings me to the subject of tolo. I dont really know what to say. I had fun, no doubt. I danced with Caytie, Allison, and Jared most of the night. Those guys are too awesome. But I just saw some of my friends (respectful friends) who were dancing, well, not exactly the cleanest.

And that's not why I'm disgusted. I expected to see it. I personally dont like to grind or dirty dance any other way. It's just not my style. I dont find it very pleasurable! I'd rather just crazy dance with my friends and have fun and not worry about anything. Because, obviously, I cannot dance! haha.

I guess it just makes me sad to finally realize that the people I looked up to aren't perfect. And you might be saying "well duhhh, Laura. Hardly a surprise." And I would say it, too. I would tell myself, "no one is perfect. No one." But I wouldn't truly believe it. I dont know why. But I struggle with comparing myself. And I know that people aren't perfect. But sometimes I guess my mind just fantasized how about how wonderful people are. Which is when things get bad. Because people let me down. I let people down, too! It should be expected. No one is perfect. And it's something that I have to remind myself.

Lately, my eyes have been opened to people's flaws. Not in a judgmental way, but in a way that just made me think. I definitely think that it was God trying to tell me something..

STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. I cant reach that goal. I can try, but I cant expect it from myself.

I always list out my flaws. And each time, I tell myself that it's okay because then I know what to fix. But it's not the best thing for me. I cant always remind myself of what I need to fix. It's not healthy. Yes, there are things to improve, but it's not the main focus. There needs to be a balance. To be honest, I'm afraid I'm going to slip back into my "I'm so high & mighty" ways. So I try to counteract that by degrading myself. Not smart. Not good. Not at all.

It's weird for me to tell myself that I'm a good friend or that I'm beautiful or whatever. I mean, I can take it from other people (it makes my day!), but if someone were to ask me what I like about myself, I can think of things.. I would just feel weird saying them outloud. I guess you could say that I'm scared people will think I'm conceited because I have had problems with conceited people. It's weird just thinking about it!

I know that God loves me. I know that God thinks I'm beautiful. I know that God treasures me. I know it. I believe it. But I dont know if I truly think I treasure myself. And I know this sounds soo contraditory to what I said before, but this is another thing I need to work on: loving myself. But I wont degrade myself by working on this. I can hear it a hundred times a day "I love you!" But when it comes down to it, if I don't love myself, it wont matter.

Confidence. I'm not shy, no way! But I worry too much about how others see me. It doesn't matter! I tell myself that almost every day. But it just cuts deeper when it actually happens. Which corrolates with how I grew up. Yeah, I have the most amazing friends in the world. They remind me of how I am loved and they encourage me when I need it. My parents try to. They really do, I believe it. They just dont know how to express their love very well. It was because of how they were raised. So it's harder for them to tell me that I'm beautiful or that I'm amazing or whatever. I guess it affects how I see myself. When I dont hear those things and I constantly hear what I need to work on, it just gets degrading.

And I'm not slamming my parents. I really am not. I am soo absolutely blessed with them. I honestly do not believe that they intentionally try to hurt me. I know they dont. It's something that I dont think they realize. But it's been better this past year. It's still a struggle, however. It probably always will be.

Which is why I'm looking for love. Not in a desperate way. I wouldn't do the things that your mind automatically goes to when you hear that. Just in friendships. With both guys and girls. I love my friends. And that's where I find my security. Which isn't good, I'm just being honest. I need to stop finding myself in who others see me as. I need to start seeing myself as God sees me. And it's not always easy.

My dad didn't show his love for me until this past year. He wasn't UNloving, just didn't know how to express it without just saying it. He was always working. He focused so hard on it. I rarely ever saw him. And he works 10 minutes away. It never really affected me until he tried to spend time with me. It's awkward. We are soo different. And to be honest, I barely know the guy. How would I have known him? He was never home. And now the table has turned: I'm never home. I feel awful. It's something that I need to pray about. I dont want to loose the relationship between my parents and I.

I also get it from my older brother. It's a long story, but it has been resolved. It's still a little awkward, but we talk now. I can tell him anything. It was just a long journey to get here.

Anyways. That wasn't exactly where I was intending on going. Alright, awkward for me or not, I have to remind myself of who I am in God's eyes. Siggghhh.

I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am wonderful. I am His child. He loves me beyond what I can even imagine. He likes my hair. He likes my eyes. He likes my nose and my feet. He thinks I'm funny. He likes how I let him in. He likes how I love him. He sees my love for others (that he put inside of me) and he likes it. He thinks I'm kind. He loves how I do devos. He loves how I seek him. He loves me no matter what I do. Even when I make a mistake, when I hurt someone's feelings, or when I make a stupid comment, He is still crazy about me. He still persues after me every day. He still loves me and desires to be with me. With me personally. With who I am. No matter if I'm wearing makeup, have my hair done, or am wearing fancy clothes.. or not. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. He loves me for me. And he thinks I'm awesome.

So why should I think any less of myself??

A "Because" List.

Things that I can do to further improve my mood:

Sleep more - go to bed earlier
Listen to postive music - no more break up songs!
Eat breakfest - Jack wins this time
Drink coffee, but dont rely on it - there is a crash
Get off the computer - like right now
Stop day dreaming - I’m a little obsessed with now.
Talk to more postive people - Love all of you, but you affect my mood
Get up on time - Also goes with the whole new “sleeping” concept

I think that’s good for now :) Hold it to me, friends

Sleep Walking.

It’s easy. It’s soo easy to just act depressed; like everything is going wrong. It’s so easy to keep it short with people. It’s so easy to just whine. It’s so easy to frown. It’s so easy, it’s scary. And I know I’m not the only one who realizes this. When I’m in a bad mood, it scares me to be honest. I hate being in a mad/sad mood. But it’s so easy to just sit there and not go anywhere or do anything.

I just want to sit and cry and allow my thoughts to remain on what is going wrong. Believe me, there is a lot! I hate to say it, but it’s true. My life isn’t perfect. No one’s is. We all have pains, struggles, hurts, and hardships. All of us.

But I dont want to just sit here and stay sad. I dont want to be fake and pretend like everything is okay, but being a drama queen wont help anything. If I want help or advice, I should just ask for it. If I want someone to cry with me, I should just ask for it. It’s not like I dont have friends who would be willing! I dont know why I dont like to ask someone if I can vent out to them. It’s hard for me to find someone to talk to. It’s not that I dont trust people. I dont know what it is.

Everyone goes through bad moods, has bad days, and gets hurt. It’s just because of the world we live in. It’s broken. But we can grow through these times. But with these moods, days, and hurt, we have a choice:

we can sit and complain all day or we can do something about it.

Like I said, it’s easy to just sit and complain. But where will that get me? Not very far at all. I might feel better after I get it all out, but then what? Keep doing it until I somehow feel better? It doesnt work like that. If you always have negative thoughts, wouldn’t that affect your mood? It makes sense to me.

It’s hard. It’s very hard to choose to think about the positives. But it will help me. It will make me realize how selfish I have been. Which is a good thing. Because once I realize it, I can change it. I dont want to be selfish. Who wants to be friends with someone who is constantly selfish? Not very many people.

I’ve been having a bad week. Nothing in particular, but everything in general. It seems like a lot of things are going wrong. I dont know why. I dont know what is going wrong specifically. It’s just one of those weeks, you know?

And I’ve been feeling it lately. It’s been hitting hard. Some friends change, leave, lie, are selfish, and some just dont care. That’s not to say that all my friends are! No way. Most of my friends are just amazing people whom I love soo much. I love all of my friends to be honest. But lately, I’ve been hurt by friends without them realizing it. I guess I could just sit here and go on and on about how much they’ve hurt me. But that would not be fun, nor would it be right. I love those people. I hate talking about people behind their backs. I always feel uncomfortable! I just dont like it at all. And I dont want to always focus on it. I have already thought about it. I have already complained about it. I shouldn’t just sit here and do nothing. If I want something to change, I should confront these people.

It’s so hard! If I’m going to be honest, I dont want to. At all. I hate confronting people because I feel like a jerk. But I’m not a jerk for being honest and wanting to better our relationship. Otherwise, I’ll get bitter and things wont go right at all.

I just dont see the point in publicizing my hurts. I dont want to depress everyone! And I dont want to seem desperate for attention. I dont think people truly know me. Not very many people know much about me. I’m not blaming them, I’m just making a statement. It’s not bad or good. It just is, I guess. I think a lot of people see who I am and make assumptions. I mean, I dont blame them when I do the same thing. And I dont think it’s bad things. It’s probably like “wow, she’s happy all the time. She is always smiling” or whatever. Which is true. I am happy most of the time and I do smile a lot. Because I dont focus on the bad stuff in life.

If I really wanted to, I could just sit in the corner and cry all day long. I could never smile, never laugh, never have fun. But, what would be the point in that? I dont get it! I dont mean to say “hey guys, fake it! just smile and it’ll be okay” NO! Not at all. Be real. But dont dwell on the negative. It will affect your mood and who hang out with you. If you need encouragment, help, advice, love or anything I know people will be willing to give it out. I know I will be. It doesn’t matter who you are.

This turned into something way longer than I had anticipated. Opps. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

And to think this all started with me wanted to tweet something semi-depressing. :) My mind truly does like to ponder things

Remember.

Now it all comes back to me now. This is why I’m never home and why I always busy myself. For some reason, when I’m home, I get in the worst moods. The weird thing is that it has nothing to do with my family. I guess it’s because I have time to think. Not to be depressing, but things aren’t always happy&bright. And I guess I dont focus on those things when I’m busy and when I’m with friends. I focus on the wonderful things in life. But when I’m just sitting here in my room like now, not doing anything, I have time to think. And my thoughts aren’t very positive all the time.

I’ve just been looking at myspace for the past few minutes. I haven’t been on there since forever ago! It made me laugh when I thought about logging on. But once I did, I didn’t exactly smile anymore. I just saw my friend’s profile of whom I dont realy talk to anymore. And it hurts to see how much people change.

I also saw one of my friend’s status and I got in a really irascible mood. I’m so confused! She is someone whom I love. Lately things have been so hard. It’s been hard to put into words. I dont like to talk about her because it ends up being gossip. And I hate gossip. So it’s hard for me to talk about it! I need to though. Ahh!!

I dont know if thinking through these things is a good thing or not. But it just gets me in a really bad mood. I’m sick of everything right now. And I dont know why. I’m irritable and I just want to be alone. I’m such a girl!!

Another thing: why do swear words have to be bad? Ah! I know I’m going to sound really dumb, but I dont care.. I wish I could curse. I wish I could say those words and not have a guilty conscious. I wish. Sometimes, when I’m in a bad mood, I just wish I could get away with a lot of things. I just want to slip into the easy way of life. I’m struggling. It’s so hard to keep up with God. It’s so hard to live like He did. It’s so hard to set an example. It’s so hard to be perfect. It’s so hard period.

I guess I know what I need to do: pray, get out of the muck of being iritable (it’s dangerous), be real, talk about it, read what God has to say about it, LISTEN and not just hear what He has to say, etc. I know what I should do. It’s a matter of just doing it that is the problem. I know that I dont have to be perfect. I know that I dont want to use words that dont resemble who Jesus is.

Having a bad mood will come once in a while. To everyone. But it’s my volition whether I let it affect me or not. It’s my volition as to if I continue to sit in that mad mood and just moop. It’s my choice. I have a brain.

I choose to get out of it. Ugh, I dont want to! I can be stubborn. Although it’s easy to sit in my room right now and just rant on how awful my life is, it’s not going to get anywhere. No matter how long my complaint list is, nothing will be done until I start doing something to change it.

And I know I dont have to go it alone. Jesus wants to help me. And He is the best person who can do the job. Alright. Let’s get out of this bad mood together, Jesus. I love you, man. Thanks so much for helping me. I cannot get enough of you.

Wishing.

So sometimes I wish I had a genie to grant me 3 wishes. Actually, in all honesty, I would want more than just three because hey, I'm selfish. But regardless, I would want three wishes. One of them being perfection. Perfectiong for myself, my family, my situations, my thoughts, and my world. But obviously I dont have a genie. Otherwise, I would be very rich!

I spend too much time wishing and not enough time praying. I waste all my time daydreaming about "if only" or "if when" or "if this happens.." or "if I had this.." You get the picture! That's just something that God has been telling me lately: stop wishing and start praying & making a difference. Because prayer is soo powerful. And I think I underestimate its power most times. That's a long story and it's not where I was planning on going with this blog! Another time, my dear blogspot.

I have a lot of maturing to do. I have realized in the past few days how immature I truly am. And yeah, I've never truly seen myself as "fully mature" but dang! God really opened my eyes tonight. It was good though. He showed me areas in my life that I need to work on. One of them is maturity. I have to watch my mouth. It's one thing to make a joke, it's another to take it too far.

Another thing God showed me just an hour ago: Stop pouting! Dont just look at what is going in your life, but think about things from a bigger perspective. My mom wasn't sure about letting me have coffee with a good friend when he had questions about Jesus because of multiple reasons. And my initial reaction: I'm old enough to take it. I know what I'm doing. I am a big girl now. I can handle it, mom. Why dont you trust me?

But that wasn't a good reaction. It was selfish. But after I had my time of pouting, God told me a few words! I had asked him to talk to me tonight. Boy, did he ever. He reminded me, in a loving way, to pray about it. If He wants me to help my friend, I'll be able to. But it's not ME who is doing the saving, it is God. Not me. And I had to be reminded of that. Yes, I can help him, but no it is not ultimately me who grabs ahold of his heart. It's Jesus. And it's my friend's decision. Not mine. I am simply a servant for Jesus. And if Jesus uses me, what an honor! But it's up to him, not me. It was a good reminder!

There are so many thoughts going on in my head right now. I'm stressing out. I work a lot again this week. It's a good thing! I know it is. It just cuts into my school & social lives. I also am scheduled to work on a night of a choir concert. A big one. And now I have to tell my boss that I cant work that day. Man, I hope things go smoothly!

I'm going to bed. I need some sleep. Dear Jesus, I love you. This week is yours, as crazy as it is. Whatever you want, I'm down. Take my life and all that is in it. I wanna live for you. Rid me of all that gross sin and evil. Thank you for forgiving me always. Thank you for loving me. You are incredible. I love you! .. again.

Woosh!

I feel a storm coming on in my life. I dont know why or what it is or when it will be. But I know one is coming. Tonight was just what I needed to hear. I should start preparing right now. God, help me. I trust you.

Shopping.

So I had been debating whether to blog about my today or not, but I guess my desires to write caved in. I just love to write. And I love to think. And blogging is a good combination of both.

Today, I woke up at 7:50am. Which is early for me on a Saturday! If I dont have to be anywhere, I usually sleep in until 12. But I was late! I was supposed to be at Caytie's house at 8am. But, of course, I was late. Once I arrived, I had a wonderful time. I seriously love that lady. We can talk about anything and everything for hours on end without a break. There's just so much to talk about! I love it. Her mom even set up a tea party kind of setting for us. It was too cute. I love that family!

After that, I rushed to work. But I wasn't late! I am always worried that I'll be late.. but I dont think I have ever been late before. Which is good! Anyways, it was really busy. But it's a good thing. I'm not complaining. I am definitely blessed to have a job in the first place. My coworkers are too funny. They are a blast to work with.

I ended up staying 25 minutes over time because of a surprise rush. Positive thinking: more money for me. ;)

I went home right after that. I took the long way home: pulled down my hair and drove past the beach. It was so beautiful outside! The water was absolutely gorgeous. I only wished I could have stayed and played in the sand and water. It made me excited for summer and all of its long days in the sun.

My mommy took me shopping after I came home! It was kind of crazy because I only had 10 minutes of downtime, but I cant complain. We had a successful shopping trip! I even saw my good friend, Sharmaine, there. Haha, I didn't get to talk to her, however, because I was confused as to whether it was her or not. Good stuff.

The best part of my day, however, was just talking to my mom. I have to admit, I had been scared of my mom before. I felt like I had to be someone in front of her, like I couldn't be a teenager, but someone older and more mature. Dont ask me why, because I truly dont know. But regardless, I just let loose and was myself today. And my mom and I really connected. I noticed how similar we are. The big one for me was that we both like to go against the crowd. And not in like a "i'm going to dye my hair purple and wear garbage bags as a dress" kind of thing! But more in little ways.

And I got to share a lot about myself and my thoughts and my life. It's not that I dont share things with my mom, but not like I did today. It was deeper and more personal. It were things that only two of my friends know about. It were things that I dont like to share. But the best part was that it was so easy to talk about it with my mom. It didn't feel awkward or pressured.. it just came out because I was comfortable with her.

Anyways. I got to bond with my mommy and it was soo good. I missed talking to her. In a big family and a crazy busy life, I dont get to talk to her much anymore. I love her! She is definitely a huggeee blessing in my life. I'm proud that I am like her. It makes me hope that I'll be like her when I am older.

Artificial Flavor.

I feel so fake sometimes. I feel like that artificial flavoring on candies that you eat: good for 5 minutes, but they dont last. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like I can say all the right words, but I dont live them out. Or I dont believe them all myself.

Like tonight, I went to ice cream with *name unmentioned so we will go with Susie* and then I went on yet another drive by myself and it opened my eyes up. Ice cream with Susie went well. Except for one thing: we talked about Susie the whole time. Don't get me wrong: I love Susie. I don't know where I would be without her. But let's just say that I had a talk with Jesus about her and about what to do.

Which leads into my drive. I drove nowhere and everywhere. Yeah, it's one of those nights. So I just turned off my music and just talked to God and listened. I guess you could say that I have not been "feeling" God lately. And it's a good thing in disguise. It means that my faith is maturing and growing, but it's hard sometimes. Not feeling Him makes me slip into my old habbits of doubt. And I confesssed it to God tonight. And it would seem pretty silly to be praying to God about doubting him.. But I know that He is real.

It's a fact: not an opinion.

It was just reassuring to get it all out in the open: I dont need to be fake. I dont need to hide behind a face. I dont need to pretend to have it all together. I'm a wreck! And it's okay. Because Jesus knows how to put it all together for me. And I'm gladly giving it over to Him: each and every day. Not always easy, but definitely for the best.

The song "The Motions" by Matthew West came on. Wow. Can you talk about a better song that speaks my heart? Probably. haha But regardless, this song helps me out each time I listen to it. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to feel something. I want that passion, desire, hunger, and burning love for my Jesus. It seems so routine lately. It feels so plain. It's not passionate like it used to be. It's a problem.

God usually works in small bits with me. Little bit of love at a time. It isn't based on emotions: it is based on fact and relationship. And it's the perfect thing for me. If I were to have that "Jesus high" I would crash and burn. It would be one ugly sight. But instead, God works all things for my good... which includes small babysteps. I'm so grateful for a God that looks out for my best interests.

I pray for that passion and that desire for Him. But if he wants to take things slow, it's for the best. That way, I wont base our relationship on emotions and feelings.

Man. I sound like such a high school girl! Maybe being one is a good excuse.. Just maybe.

Dear Jesus, I love you. Love is such a wonderful thing. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a commitment. And I commit to you. Because I know that you loved and commited to me first. You knew me before I was born. You know what I will do tomorrow. You know when I'll wake up and when I'll fall asleep. You care about me. You care about the littlest things in my life. You genuinely care. You take interest in my life. You hold me close when I need you. And through the hard times in my life, you carry me. You dont let me go it alone. You are consistant. You are there. You are real. You are evident in my life and the lives of those around me. This world is not here forever. It wants to pull me down. And most days, it does a good job. God, you want to build me up. You want the best for me. My life is all yours. Take it from me! I love you so much. Please use me. Give me your wisdom: I dont want to speak with my own words.. things could get messy. I am yours. All of me is all yours. Do whatever you want. Like I said, you know what's best. You got this. I trust you. Thanks for everything. Talk to you soon. Love you.

Underappreciated.

That's a good word. That definitely describes my mood lately. Not that I need to be praised every day, but it just seems as though a lot of people take advantage of me.

And the same verse keeps coming back to my mind this past week: love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you.

Ahh, sometimes I seriously want to rip that part out of the Bible and pretend like it was never there so that I dont have to follow it! It is definitely hard. All those people that intentionally talk behind my back, crush my self esteem, and those who use me and take advantage of me, they need prayer and love the most.

And Jesus would show them love. He showed me love when I was still a sinner. And He did it willingly. Why should I be any less enthusiastic about suffering for others who persecute me on a much smaller scale?

Alright. Enough blogging. It's time for me to live this out. I'm ready to go love some people who need it. Well, I suppose sleeping would be a good idea, too.

Respect.

They say you learn something new every day.

Well then today I learned more than just something. Dont be intimidated by a specific person. I think I struggle with this a lot more than I realize. Which is weird if you think about it. haha. Anyways. I care too much about what others think about me. I am constantly comparing myself to others. But this isn't to say that it is all bad. It helps me improve myself, too. But I need to keep it regulated.

If I really respect someone, I dont want them to know what I'm thinking.. in case they dont agree with me. Ever been there? Dont tell me I'm alone! I know I'm not.

It's something that I need to surrender daily. If I feel some way about something, it's okay if someone that I respect disagrees with me. None of us are perfect! Not me. Not that person. Which is a good thing. It creates good conversation.

I just gotta constantly be reminded of who I am in God's eyes. He cares about my thoughts. What an absolutely amazing thing to say. Every day, I have to remind myself of who I am in God. That's where I find my identity, not others.

I am his daughter. It never ceases to amaze me.

Drama.

I dont really want to blog about today. But I will. I think it'll be good for me. I think that God will show me something through it.

Well. I started out going to starbucks to finish my homework that so desperately needed to be done! I was going to go to the old one, but when I drove past it, I saw someone sitting in my spot. So, I just kept going to the new one. I hadn't been there in a while anyways. So I go there and I start on my homework. I order my java chip frapp and an hour and a half later, I'm almost done with my homework! I had 3 more history ID's left when I saw them.

My grandma walked in starbucks with my step-grandpa.

I panicked. What the heck?! I hadn't see them or talked to them in at least a year if not two. My grandma didn't even look at me. Howard glanced at me, and I smiled on reaction. I waited a whole 3 seconds before I packed everything up. I booked it out of there. I got to my car and I couldn't stop shaking. Did that truly just happen? Did I really just see them? Was it their twins? They dont even live here. Why are they here?

I got in my car and I didn't know what to do. I was angry. I was hurt. I decided to go to the only place I could think of: my beach. Although, I didn't make it very far until the tears started to roll down. I was hyperventalating. (Thank you Jesus that I made it home safely) I didn't understand. Why now? Why here? Why today? Why, why why? I cant even describe it. I was crying out to God in a way that I had never done before. I was yelling in anguish. I had never been so hurt before. All the hurt came back all at once. My mind went through everything that had happened that had hurt my family so greatly. It hurt. It hurt badly.

I didn't know what to do. I kept talking to God. I kept on questioning him. I kept on calling his name. And I kept on crying.

I finally go to the beach and I was still crying. I dont think I have ever cried so hard. It was the weirdest thing. But it was good for me. I needed to get it all out. I never stopped talking to God. I kept on interrogating him as if the more questions I asked, the faster the answer would come.

I stayed in my car and just cried. I probably looked insane, but it's fine. I truly needed to get everything out. I needed to cry out to God. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him how much it hurt. I needed to verbalize it all. And I did. And God came through.

I prayed for peace. I prayed so hard. And He gave it to me. After a long time at the beach and a drive to nowhere and back to the beach, I felt a peace wash over all of me. I knew that God has prepared me for this all this past week. He kept saying to me this week that He was constant.

Even when I see the person who has hurt me the most, God is still God. God still loves me. God doesn't hinder his love for me because of my past. He doesn't keep his peace from me because I was hurt. He is constant. He is there. He let himself be known to me. He knew that my grandma and I would see each other. He knew that the hurt would return. He knew everything.

So he prepared me. He told me that He is always here. He showed his love to me. It is incredible to think about it. God prepared me. God never changed. Before today and after today, He will be the same wonderful, loving Creator as He always was.

This is a mess. It sounded a lot better in my head.

Thank you, God, for giving me peace. I'm soo utterly excited for tonight's night of worship. I know you will speak to me. I expect you to. I wont set my expectations low. You can do everything. You can do it all. You are mighty and powerful. You got this. Thank you for holding on to me. I love you so much. I'm all yours. Take it from me, God. Everything.

Blast from the Past.

Oh man. I read a really good blog today and I suddenly had the urge to write one as well. Here goes nothing..

Devos. Hmm, amazing little things, huh? I did them this morning and I swear that every time that I open up that Bible of mine, I learn something new. God speaks to me. And somehow, He puts what I read and lets me ponder upon it and BAM something happens. No, I dont mean that I am suddenly free of all my worries, pains, and fear. But something in my heart stirs. It’s overwhelming. I dont know how to explain it. But it’s God.

And I need those moments. I have my doubts. Sometimes I sit in my room and I think.. how do I really truly know that He is real? How do I know that I’m not just crazy? How do I know for a fact? And so on, so forth. I get so into it that it’s almost scary. I question everything. I analyse all that I believe in.

And it’s a good thing!

It’s a good thing to question what I believe in. Because I always find an answer. Sometimes it takes a day. Other times it takes a year. I went through a time where I just did not hear from God. It lasted for a little over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of how long it was. All I remember is getting frusterated. I would think to myself.. well if He was real, why the heck wouldn’t He prove himself? Why wouldn’t He just pop down from Heaven and show Himself? I got mad. I was sad that He wouldn’t answer me. I was tired of going to church and not feeling anything. I was sick of going to school only to learn more about this God that was giving me the “silent treatment.” I was hurt. I was angry.

And I kept it all inside.

Bad mistake. Bad mistake. Bad mistake. I had this tendancy to put on a face of perfection. I dont want people to see that I’m broken, that I need help, that I have been hurt. But it’s changing now. I see that I need to show those things! I am not perfect. And it’s okay for me to say that.

Anyways. So I was more sad than angry at God. I can’t say that I lost my faith, because I truly knew somewhere in my heart that He never left me: that he is real. I knew it and I wanted to believe it, but it was hard. He never seemed to be there. I did devos, but not with an open heart. I was waiting for that one moment where I would just “feel” God. I was basing everything on emotions. Not good. God isn’t an emotion. He is constant. And it took me such a long time to realize it.

But He never did leave me. In fact, I can say that He held on to me tighter than ever in that year. I look back now and see what He had done while I was looking the other way. He sent this amazing lady into my life. Her name is Liz Van Dyke. Wow. Do I need to say anymore? Well.. probably, because some of you dont know who she is. But let’s just say that she saved my relationship with Jesus.

She encouraged me to keep going. She always grabbed me after service and talked to me. She always came up to me and asked how I was doing. She was there. She showed Jesus to me when I was searching so desperately for Him. He came. And He came in a form of a best friend. She helped me so much. She got me back on my feet.

One thing she told me will stick with me forever. God was testing me. And this wasn’t in a bad way. It was something that I needed to go through. It’s like a teacher giving you a test: just to see how much you know. Only in this case, God wanted to show me how genuine my faith was. He wanted to wake me up and show me how much God meant to me. If that makes sense..? Basically, He was showing me my faith. She told me that it was like a child learning how to walk. I was a baby, but I was growing. God used to hold my hand all the time. But now that I was growing in my faith, He started to trust me enough to let me take my first few steps. Not alone! He was right there beside me. In fact, His hands were inches away from me: ready to catch me when I fell. He never ever left.

It was the fact that He trusted me enough to walk on my own, to make my faith my own, that just hit home. He was always present. His love never stopped. It was my own expectations that hindered our relationship. But He showed me that I dont need that “big time hit” experience to know that He is real. He showed me that I dont need to base our relationship on emotions. He gradually spoke more and more to me. And through that rough patch, we came out strong. We are still strong.. stronger than ever. I know that He is alive. I know that He is real. And although I may not feel Him every day, I cant trust what I “feel.” I can trust the truth, though.

He is real, my friends. Jesus was a real person. There are artifacts and documents to prove that He was a real person. Whether you believe that He loves you, that He died, and that He returned to life is your decision. I chose to believe it. He has saved my life in more ways than just one. There is no way that I can ever not believe it. No one can take that away from me. I love him because He loved me first. He loved us all first. His love never stops and is not conditional. Despite what you do, think, or say.. He loves you. Even when you reject him.

“Love is the arms that are holding you. Love never fails you.”

:(

This is weird for me. I haven't been this irritated in a long time. My friend texted me and it was so self-centered. She just wanted attention from me. She wanted to hear the right words and wanted to feel better. And it makes me sick. I honestly dont get mad often. At all. I dont know why, I guess I just have no reason to be mad!

But my friend just uses me to the max. And I cant take it! She only comes to me to complain or to tell me about all the awful things in her life. Dont get me wrong, I love it when people vent out to me. I feel honored that they trust me. And it means a lot. But for this person, it's different. She's trying to get something out of me. And I'm not entirely sure what it is. But either way, I'm so hurt that she uses me so often as she does. It's an every day thing, too.

I cant believe I'm actually mad. This is so weird. I dont like it. And I wish I could wish away the feelings, but the truth is that I cant. I have to be honest with her and real with her. I cant keep putting myself in situations that I know I will get hurt by. Pray for her. She is desperate for attention and it's scary.

Beach.

The hardest thing me for to describe is what I'm thinking about. How would I put my thoughts into words? How do I describe what I'm going through? How would I say how I'm feeling? It's so hard for me to find the perfect words to explain. If someone were to ask me what I'm thinking about right now, I wouldn't be able to answer it. And I'm not saying this because I want to seem mysterious or anything.

There is a lot going on. But it's nothing in particular; it's everything in general. School, one-sided frienships, friend's hurt, my hurt, my brokenness, my parents, my siblings, my classmates, the pressure of college, pressure to be perfect, my "to do" list, keeping up with my relationship with Jesus, feeling confident with myself, being myself, being real, etc. The list could go on forever.

So, not confronting any of these problems recently, I took some time today and drove to the beach. This is probably where I let things go most. It's somewhere away from the busy life. I can go there and be alone with Jesus. I can relax. Even if I dont go outside my car because I'm scared of being kidnapped! :)

I went there about an hour ago and just talked to Jesus. I turned off my phone and turned up my worship music. I let God know what was going on in my life and let him speak to me through the music. What did he tell me, you might ask? He is consistant.

And it means the world to me that He is. I am not constant. I'm constantly.. everywhere doing something else every hour. I'm busy. There, I admited it. And I'm fixing it. I'm going to cut back on how much I do every week. But that's a different story! So God reminded me that he has never changed. Ever. And He has been here a loottt longer than I. It's refreshing to know that whether I am freaking out, excited, scared, bored, angry, etc.. He is always the same. He isn't based on emotions like I am. He doesn't change his thoughts based on a situation or an emotion like I do. He is perfect. He is love. He is my best friend.

The song "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath came on the radio and it just spoke to me. I've heard it before but this time it was different. I am still listening to it right now. It's just an excellent reminder of who God is: he is love. And love never fails us.

Whoa.

Today was so weird. I had a meeting with Angel Esqivel about Cadres. For a while, things just weren't going how they should go. It's a long story. If you are in my Cadre, you know what I mean. But anyways. Keriann, Mary, and I sat down with Angel and were honest. We told him how we were feeling and we got somewhere. It wasn't a meaningless, pointless meeting.
One of the results involves me. Eeek! Mmkay. So. Angel suggested that I colead the Sophmore Cadre. I am totally for it! I asked Mary and Keriann how they would honestly feel if their peer, me, would lead them. Because I know if I were to be honest, I wouldn't like it so much if someone my age, in my grade, was leading me. But they were both for it.
Should I be excited? I am. But I'm not. I'm nervous! I'm only 16. And I dont know if I'm ready quite yet. Like I said in my other post, I dont know if I'm leadership material. But I guess this is God's way of showing me that I am. Otherwise, he wouldn't have put me in this position. I just really pray that I lead these AMAZING ladies more to Jesus. I hope that my story and my experiences and my struggles can help them get deeper with Him. I pray that I am a leader before a friend. I want to help them grow, even if it means I'm hurting their feelings. Not that I will intentionally hurt them! That's not it at all. But I can't hold back God's words just for the sake of "feeling good."
I dont know how to feel, to be honest. I just want Jesus to use me. I'm scared. But I know this will challenge me in the best way possible. I need a good challenge. Alright Jesus, I'm ready. I love you.

Leader??

People have come up to me and told me to be a leader: that I should be a leader. They tell me that they see me as one. But I dont know. I'm so skeptical of it. Do I truly act like one? I dont think I do. I just do my thing and try to be the best friend that I can be. I honestly dont see it. I mean, some days I guess I do. I see how they would say that. But I'm not confident that I should be a leader.
I think that's a personal thing though. I dont think that I'm "good enough" or old enough to become a leader. What does being a leader even mean? To lead people the best that I can by living out my life? I would love a definition. I want to be a leader. I think God is telling me to step out in faith and just be bold: be a leader.
I need help! I feel so young and I feel like I need to learn so much more. I dont think I'm ready.
God, teach me what being a leader means. Open my eyes to what I'm doing. Help me improve my leadership skills, whatever they may be. I want to be a leader for you. I need help. Send help my way!!! I love you Jesus.

So I started to blog about how I was annoyed with someone. But it wasn't okay. It was rude and mean. Even though I only wrote down one sentence! I knew where it would end up. So, I thought that I would blog about my devos instead. They were intense.
I read Mark 15 along with Isaiah 11 I believe. I make up my own devo schedule and so I just go through books that I feel like I should read. And oddly enough, these two were perfect for each other! It was crazy. Isaiah 11 was talking about who Jesus was. And I had read that one first. Then, I read Mark 15, which was all about Jesus's death. It was so powerful! I think that I honestly forget about how powerful Jesus's death really was. He has done so much in my life on top of that, too. It blows my mind. I got really moved. It was definitely a wonderful reminder.
Anyways. I should start to blog in a positive way. I was reading over my tumblr blogs and they aren't so positive. I tried to end it on a good note, but I dont know if it worked every time. Oh well. I guess it's one way to get my thoughts out.
Jesus, you are awesome. I love you man. I am all yours.

Ahh

I just told my mother.
Which is weird for me to say. I trust my mom a lot. She is such a blessing in my life. And I know that I can talk to her about anything. But with this? It's just different I guess. I dont feel as if she would support me or encourage it. I would feel as if she would look at me differently.
But I know she wouldn't at the same time. It's this neverending cycle of confusion I suppose.
Either way, I told her. I was honest. And I wish I could have finished the story. Oh well, I'll save it for another late night.
I dont even know why I'm so scared to talk to my parents about boys. It's weird. I feel like they would look down on me. But they wouldn't. Ahh, I just repeated what I said a few lines before. This is so weird. I just want to be honest with my parents.
When I told my mom, she just said that she knew that there was something I wasn't telling her. Which is weird! Haha. My mom is a mind reader.. creepy? Yeah, pretty much! :)
Anyways. Things are going fast and crazy. But I'm only 16. Nothing will happen. I dont want anything to happen. I'm too young. I'm not ready. I want to know myself better before I get to know someone else in that sense.
God, take everything that happened tonight. I'm overwhelmed with good, bad, and anxious thoughts. I dont know what to think. I dont know how to feel. I know what to do. Please help me. Guide my steps. Open my eyes to what you see, not just what I see. I love you with all that I am. I'm living my life out for you! Things are weird right now. But it doesn't change anything with you. You are constant. Thank you. I lean on you, not myself. I am yours.

?

You are making this so hard on me. I hear all of these amazing things about you. And yet I see another side of you. I dont know which one is true. Or if they both are! I'm so utterly confused. Who are you? Please, dont be one person on Sunday and then a whole different person Monday.

God

is more than words can even describe.

The way that He consumes my life is incredible. But even that word has a lack of meaning. God never ceases to blow my mind. He is there when I need him. He is patient when I lose my way. He is there when I dont know where to go or what to say. Especially with when I dont know what to say. When I cry out to Him to speak, He does. Every time.



I have been content with my faith: it's dangerous. But I'm passionate about Him now. Thank you Snowed In for showing me how great my God is! He is powerful. He is not just routine. He is here. He consumes me. He uses me. He loves me. For who I am. No matter what I do.



God, continue to show up in my life. The way you are moving with the people around me just makes me speechless. You are amazing. You are so much. You are changing lives. You are changing my life. Thank you! I love you so much God. Consume me so that I can pour you out on others. Use me God for your glory. Thank you for your love. It floors me. It's overwhelming. In the best way possible. Thank you over and over again. I love you. Let's continue this journey of life together: every day, every minute.

I get so excited when my friends are eager to learn more about Jesus! I look back to the past few months, and God is working. Big time. Many of my friends are now talking about God and wanting to do devos and have all these questions. This is the best thing to me!! It gets me so pumped up for them. Not only that, but it encourages me to keep my relationship with Jesus fresh and passionate.
My friends are truly incredible, wonderful people. They encourage me. They are there for me. And I love them so much. I'm so blessed. Beyond words. Thank you God for giving them to me. Thank you for their passion and hunger for you. Bless them and hold tightly to them. I love them! I love you above all. Please work in the way you want to. I want your will, not mine. Today is all yours.

Sometimes I dont know how to react to things. My words get all mixed up and I end up confusing everyone around me. Ahh, gotta love being confused, right?