Ugh.

I am kind of disgusted right now. I hate how everywhere I go in life, there will always be drama. It's like high school never ends. I know it's not just me either. Everyone has it in their lives. It's inevitable.

So what do I do? It's my fault. Well, not really. But kind of. I dont exactly oppose drama. I like to keep up with my friends. I ask them how they are doing, and I guess I just basically ask what the new drama is. And I dont mean to! I truly dont. I dont need more drama in my life. I guess it goes hand in hand with the "how are you doing" question.

Which brings me to the subject of tolo. I dont really know what to say. I had fun, no doubt. I danced with Caytie, Allison, and Jared most of the night. Those guys are too awesome. But I just saw some of my friends (respectful friends) who were dancing, well, not exactly the cleanest.

And that's not why I'm disgusted. I expected to see it. I personally dont like to grind or dirty dance any other way. It's just not my style. I dont find it very pleasurable! I'd rather just crazy dance with my friends and have fun and not worry about anything. Because, obviously, I cannot dance! haha.

I guess it just makes me sad to finally realize that the people I looked up to aren't perfect. And you might be saying "well duhhh, Laura. Hardly a surprise." And I would say it, too. I would tell myself, "no one is perfect. No one." But I wouldn't truly believe it. I dont know why. But I struggle with comparing myself. And I know that people aren't perfect. But sometimes I guess my mind just fantasized how about how wonderful people are. Which is when things get bad. Because people let me down. I let people down, too! It should be expected. No one is perfect. And it's something that I have to remind myself.

Lately, my eyes have been opened to people's flaws. Not in a judgmental way, but in a way that just made me think. I definitely think that it was God trying to tell me something..

STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT. I cant reach that goal. I can try, but I cant expect it from myself.

I always list out my flaws. And each time, I tell myself that it's okay because then I know what to fix. But it's not the best thing for me. I cant always remind myself of what I need to fix. It's not healthy. Yes, there are things to improve, but it's not the main focus. There needs to be a balance. To be honest, I'm afraid I'm going to slip back into my "I'm so high & mighty" ways. So I try to counteract that by degrading myself. Not smart. Not good. Not at all.

It's weird for me to tell myself that I'm a good friend or that I'm beautiful or whatever. I mean, I can take it from other people (it makes my day!), but if someone were to ask me what I like about myself, I can think of things.. I would just feel weird saying them outloud. I guess you could say that I'm scared people will think I'm conceited because I have had problems with conceited people. It's weird just thinking about it!

I know that God loves me. I know that God thinks I'm beautiful. I know that God treasures me. I know it. I believe it. But I dont know if I truly think I treasure myself. And I know this sounds soo contraditory to what I said before, but this is another thing I need to work on: loving myself. But I wont degrade myself by working on this. I can hear it a hundred times a day "I love you!" But when it comes down to it, if I don't love myself, it wont matter.

Confidence. I'm not shy, no way! But I worry too much about how others see me. It doesn't matter! I tell myself that almost every day. But it just cuts deeper when it actually happens. Which corrolates with how I grew up. Yeah, I have the most amazing friends in the world. They remind me of how I am loved and they encourage me when I need it. My parents try to. They really do, I believe it. They just dont know how to express their love very well. It was because of how they were raised. So it's harder for them to tell me that I'm beautiful or that I'm amazing or whatever. I guess it affects how I see myself. When I dont hear those things and I constantly hear what I need to work on, it just gets degrading.

And I'm not slamming my parents. I really am not. I am soo absolutely blessed with them. I honestly do not believe that they intentionally try to hurt me. I know they dont. It's something that I dont think they realize. But it's been better this past year. It's still a struggle, however. It probably always will be.

Which is why I'm looking for love. Not in a desperate way. I wouldn't do the things that your mind automatically goes to when you hear that. Just in friendships. With both guys and girls. I love my friends. And that's where I find my security. Which isn't good, I'm just being honest. I need to stop finding myself in who others see me as. I need to start seeing myself as God sees me. And it's not always easy.

My dad didn't show his love for me until this past year. He wasn't UNloving, just didn't know how to express it without just saying it. He was always working. He focused so hard on it. I rarely ever saw him. And he works 10 minutes away. It never really affected me until he tried to spend time with me. It's awkward. We are soo different. And to be honest, I barely know the guy. How would I have known him? He was never home. And now the table has turned: I'm never home. I feel awful. It's something that I need to pray about. I dont want to loose the relationship between my parents and I.

I also get it from my older brother. It's a long story, but it has been resolved. It's still a little awkward, but we talk now. I can tell him anything. It was just a long journey to get here.

Anyways. That wasn't exactly where I was intending on going. Alright, awkward for me or not, I have to remind myself of who I am in God's eyes. Siggghhh.

I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am wonderful. I am His child. He loves me beyond what I can even imagine. He likes my hair. He likes my eyes. He likes my nose and my feet. He thinks I'm funny. He likes how I let him in. He likes how I love him. He sees my love for others (that he put inside of me) and he likes it. He thinks I'm kind. He loves how I do devos. He loves how I seek him. He loves me no matter what I do. Even when I make a mistake, when I hurt someone's feelings, or when I make a stupid comment, He is still crazy about me. He still persues after me every day. He still loves me and desires to be with me. With me personally. With who I am. No matter if I'm wearing makeup, have my hair done, or am wearing fancy clothes.. or not. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. He loves me for me. And he thinks I'm awesome.

So why should I think any less of myself??