Drama.

I dont really want to blog about today. But I will. I think it'll be good for me. I think that God will show me something through it.

Well. I started out going to starbucks to finish my homework that so desperately needed to be done! I was going to go to the old one, but when I drove past it, I saw someone sitting in my spot. So, I just kept going to the new one. I hadn't been there in a while anyways. So I go there and I start on my homework. I order my java chip frapp and an hour and a half later, I'm almost done with my homework! I had 3 more history ID's left when I saw them.

My grandma walked in starbucks with my step-grandpa.

I panicked. What the heck?! I hadn't see them or talked to them in at least a year if not two. My grandma didn't even look at me. Howard glanced at me, and I smiled on reaction. I waited a whole 3 seconds before I packed everything up. I booked it out of there. I got to my car and I couldn't stop shaking. Did that truly just happen? Did I really just see them? Was it their twins? They dont even live here. Why are they here?

I got in my car and I didn't know what to do. I was angry. I was hurt. I decided to go to the only place I could think of: my beach. Although, I didn't make it very far until the tears started to roll down. I was hyperventalating. (Thank you Jesus that I made it home safely) I didn't understand. Why now? Why here? Why today? Why, why why? I cant even describe it. I was crying out to God in a way that I had never done before. I was yelling in anguish. I had never been so hurt before. All the hurt came back all at once. My mind went through everything that had happened that had hurt my family so greatly. It hurt. It hurt badly.

I didn't know what to do. I kept talking to God. I kept on questioning him. I kept on calling his name. And I kept on crying.

I finally go to the beach and I was still crying. I dont think I have ever cried so hard. It was the weirdest thing. But it was good for me. I needed to get it all out. I never stopped talking to God. I kept on interrogating him as if the more questions I asked, the faster the answer would come.

I stayed in my car and just cried. I probably looked insane, but it's fine. I truly needed to get everything out. I needed to cry out to God. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him how much it hurt. I needed to verbalize it all. And I did. And God came through.

I prayed for peace. I prayed so hard. And He gave it to me. After a long time at the beach and a drive to nowhere and back to the beach, I felt a peace wash over all of me. I knew that God has prepared me for this all this past week. He kept saying to me this week that He was constant.

Even when I see the person who has hurt me the most, God is still God. God still loves me. God doesn't hinder his love for me because of my past. He doesn't keep his peace from me because I was hurt. He is constant. He is there. He let himself be known to me. He knew that my grandma and I would see each other. He knew that the hurt would return. He knew everything.

So he prepared me. He told me that He is always here. He showed his love to me. It is incredible to think about it. God prepared me. God never changed. Before today and after today, He will be the same wonderful, loving Creator as He always was.

This is a mess. It sounded a lot better in my head.

Thank you, God, for giving me peace. I'm soo utterly excited for tonight's night of worship. I know you will speak to me. I expect you to. I wont set my expectations low. You can do everything. You can do it all. You are mighty and powerful. You got this. Thank you for holding on to me. I love you so much. I'm all yours. Take it from me, God. Everything.