The Best Thing.

The best thing about friendship, in my opinion?
Well, I’ll just be honest and say that I can’t narrow it down to one thing.


But one of the most amazing things to me is trust. It’s such a powerful thing when I think about it. I trust this person so much that I dont mind sharing everything about myself. I trust not only that they wont tell anyone, but that they will still love me the way that they did beforehand. I trust that they will be honest with me. I trust what they will say. I trust them period.


And I think that’s what gets me in such awe when people talk to me about their problems. Or when they just talk to me about anything seriously. I went to Starbucks today with the intent on being alone, doing some devos, and just relaxing. But then Jemily asked me to join her. Which pretty much made my day, just saying. And we sit there and talk about a lot of things! We laugh and have such a good time. but we also talk about some serious stuff. And I still get amazed that she trusted me enough to talk about some of the stuff that she did.


Not that I’m this untrustworthy person! I sure hope people can trust me. But every time something happens like that, it just make my day. My love for them has grown even more! If possible!! It makes me feel worthy of something. Like I’m not just wasting my time doing nothing. Although, I do feel bad if I dont know what to say. But I have to remember that just listening is a big thing, too. I know that when someone just listens to me, it means the world. So I just have to remember the other end of things, I guess.


Wow. This is kind of a wreck. But I guess it’s your choice whether you wanted to read this! :) I just love my friends. I love Jemily. I love it when people open up. I LOOVVEEE it when people are real (stop being fake!). I love it when people can talk about things. It does wonders. And I love that I can be a part of it.

I love you guys. :) Honestly. If you dont feel like I do, let’s hang out more. Let me prove it.

Whew.

So I started to blog today. And I just wrote this HUGE blog about the frusterations that were bothering me as of that moment. But I knew I wouldn’t post it: there were things in there that were just rude & not necessary. So I went upstairs to have dinner with my family. And I’m just not in the mood. I’m just drained and I’m exhausted. From a lot of different things.

But then I start to think about it: I’m being really selfish right now. I dont need to bash these people because I’m feeling frusterated. In fact, things would only get worse if I had posted that blog. What I said was based off of what I was feeling in the moment, and not the facts of what was ACTUALLY happening. Sure, that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. But it doesn’t give me an excuse to be brutal with my words.

Sooo here comes the revelation.. I need to control what I say when I’m in a bad mood. Because yes, bad moods come.. a little more often lately.. but they also pass. And it’s my choice to acts upon my bad mood or fight against it. Because let’s just be honest: it’s easy to cuse someone out when you’re angry, yes? It’s easy to ignore someone. It’s easy to use all your angry and frusterations and just pour them out on someone who was in your way at the wrong time.

But it’s only easy for 2 seconds. Then what satisfaction do you get? Nothing. You dont get anything from it. You just ruined that kid’s self-esteem. Or worse. And when I say “you” I am referring to myself. Not that I cuss people out, but I have moments of desiring to do so.

It’s a good habbit to surrender it all to Jesus. I know that he wants to get me out of that bad mood. I know that he doesn’t want me to dwell on the mean thoughts that tend to consume my brain. I know that he wants to free me from all of these frustrations. So why wouldn’t I let him? Why would I even want to hold on to that anger? I have someone who is willing to take it away. Sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.

Good thing it’s available everday to anyone who wants it

Throw Up.

I am so unbelievably angry right now. I do not get angry often. At all. And I definitely dont use the word “hate.” I mean, I might as a joke or something. But to me, hate is such a strong word. But right now, I seriously hate this world. It makes me sick.

It hit me today: twice. I heard a story about a man killing his coworker over a girl he met online. Yeah, that might be gossip. But my uncle isn’t too far from doing the same thing. And I learned my friend was raped by four guys last month.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Evil. Gross. Malicious.

Do those guys even know what they did to her? Not just physically. Although those scares will be there for a long time. So will the ones in her mind.

She could have died.

It just makes me so disgusted in the world that I live in. How can this even happen? I can’t even think about it. I get so angry, so bitter, so ugly when I think about it. Those guys are just repulsive. I can say a whole lot more, but I really dont want to lose it.

She just layed there. She couldn’t do anything. She was powerless. She was defensless. She was helpeless. Her life was in the hands of someone else: someone with the intention of getting his sexual desires fulfilled. It’s beyond selfish. All four of them forced her. She had no choice. She didn’t have a say.

She doesn’t deserve it. No one knows her. No one cares about her. She’s the girl that sits in the corner with her odd friend. She’s the girl that no one wants to get to know. She’s the girl that texts me at least 10 times in one day just looking for attention, affection, love. She’s the girl that is the hardest to love. She’s the girl that needs it the most.

Suddenly, my worries just went out the window. Who will I hang out with on tour? What if they dont like me? Did I really just bomb that test? What do they really think about me? I didn’t study for my midterm! I am so hungry. I want someone to love me. Does this shirt match my jacket?

All gone. Am I really that shallow? Do I really waste my time thinking about what others think about me? Do I really spend that much time focusing on things that dont even matter? I thought I was deeper than that.

It was a good wakeup call. Not that I wanted this to happen. But I cant take it back. No one can. I thought she was being dramatic when she said she was depressed over her fish dying. It all makes sense now. She always made a point to tell me that she loved me. I see why now. She always looked for attention, affection, love. I see why.

She would always hold on to hope. She always looked at God as her maine source of life. She was encouraging. God was holding her. No, he didn’t cause that to happen to her. Not at all. She doesn’t blame Him. She even forgives those.. “jerks.” If that word even does it justice. I would love to just speak my mind about those guys. But I wont.

God is faithful. Even in the hard things. He is still the same before and after the rape & abuse. He will always be the wonderful, loving God. He protected her from death. And she realizes it. Which is incredible.

I love her. So does God. Which is mind blowing if we truly sit down and think about it

God Knows What's Up.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I’m not so sure I can put tonight into words. But I’ll try, I suppose.

Ah, I just can’t get over it. So I come early to speak to Angel with my good friend Keriann. But it doesn’t happen. So I get a little bummed and so extremely nervous. Because I hate being mean. Even if it’s not mean. Anyways, that’s a huge, long, exhausting story. Regardless: I enter pre-service prayer. I am surrounded by the most amazing people I know. Their hearts for God is just inspiring. And I love them!!

So I sit down and just start being honest & real with God. I talk about the things that I have done and beg for forgiveness. I wouldn’t say I was focusing on the negative, but I wanted to let God know that I am sorry and that I want forgivness. I know that he gives it so freely when I ask. So I ask. And I praise him for who he is.

Well, right in the middle of it, Jessica comes up from behind me and asks if it’s okay if she can pray for me. umm, did she need to ask?! :) I love that lady so much. She inspries me for sure. She helped me out with so much in the past few years that I’ve known her.

So she prays. I listen. I am in awe of how God was speaking to me through her. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it amazes me still. She prayed that I dont hold on to resentment, that I let it go, that I be healed, and that I know that he is proud of me. Not only was that the perfect thing for God to say, but it was the perfect thing to hear from Jessica herself.

She said how she was proud of me. That she has been watching how I pour out to others. She said that she has been praying for me since the day that she met me. She said that she saw Jesus in my life since that same day. She said that she believed in me. She said that she saw the encouragment that is from God inside of me. She understood that it was exhausting and hard sometimes. She told me that she loved me. She was so enthusiastic. She told me that I was called to be a leader. She said that God was sooo stinking proud of me.

And it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was incredible. I wanted to cry I was so overwhelmed. It meant so much to me. I’ve been so hard on myself lately. It was freeing to know that my God, the perfect one who saved me, is proud of me. He loves me through anything. Mind. Blown.

He put a verse on my heart, too. He has been doing that lately. But all I could remember was that it had the words “yoke” “burden” “light” and “easy.” haha an odd mix of words, but I couldn’t remember which one was light and which one was easy. And then I come on here to see that Lyndsey put it at the end of her post.

Alright. Silly example, I know. But I prayed about it during youth group. I was like “what the heck did it say?! God, please show me. Thanks!” And then it kind of slipped my mind. Crazy how it happened only an hour later!

Ahh, I love Him.

Personal.

O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
dont let me be disgraced
Save me and rescue me,
for you do what is right.
Turn your ear to listen to me,
and set me free.
Be my rock of safety
where I an always hide.
Give the order to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
My God, rescue me from the power of the wicked,
from the clutches of cruel oppressors.
O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!
My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and protection.
That is why I can never stop praising you;
I declare your glory all day long.
…
Dont abandon me when my strength is failing.
For my enemies are whispering against me.
They are plotting together to kill me.
They say, “God has abandoned *her.
Let’s go and get her,
for no one will help her now.”

O God, dont stay away.
My God, please hurry to help me.
…
But I will keep on hoping for your help;
I will praise you more and more.
I will tell everyone about your righteousness.
All day long I will proclaim your saving power,
though I am not skilled with words.
I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord.
I will tell everyone that you alone are just.

O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,
and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.
…
Let me proclaimm your power to this new generation
your mighty miracles to all who come after me.

Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.
You have done such wonderful things.
Who can compare with you, O God?
You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
but you will restore me to life again
and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
You will restore me to even greater honor
and comfort me once again…

- Pslam 71

Real.

Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire
I cant find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen from weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
Dont let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
.. Dont let me cause them to be humiliated..
For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
Even my own brothers pretend they dont know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you
have fallen on me.
When I weep & fast,
they scoff at me.
When I dress .. to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
I am a favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping that this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mud;
dont let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me
and pull me from the deep waters.
Dont let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
take care of me, for your mercy is plentiful.
Dont hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

… Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisioned people.

-Psalm 69:1-18, 32-33

Ventation.

**Read at your own risk

I hate talking to him. My dad. And above that, I hate that I hate talking to him. I hate that I cant have a normal conversation with him. I hate that I can't just talk about something to him. He always has something negative to say. There is always something that I'm doing wrong. I'm never in the right mind set. I'm never saying the right words. I'm never seeing the other side. I'm never ever doing it right. Or the way that he thinks it should be done.

I hate how I make him sound like the worst person in the world when he isn't. I'm never good enough. And he doesn't say those exact words. He doesn't need to. He isn't an awful person. I love my dad. But he is big into perfection. And he wont admit it. He will say that I'm good enough or that he loves me. But it's hard to believe without the actions to back it up.

Like I said before, I never saw him as a child. So in all honesty, I dont really know who he is anymore.

I never vent. It's not good. But when I do to my dad, he doesn't just sit and listen. Which is what I need sometimes. Not all the time. I realize that I need to hear the hard things as well. But for my dad it's different. It feels as though all that he does is tell me what I need to fix or what I need to realize. I dont get the support that I need. I dont trust him. And that scares me. A lot.

I feel like such a drama queen. I never talk about my problems and so when it catches up with me, things explode way out of porportions. I'm just on stress overload and I need to calm down. I just had to blog about it. It has been bugging me for a long time.

Peace. God's been trying to tell me that lately: He is willing to give it to me when I ask. It's out of this world. I can't comprehend it. I want it. I need it. And He wont let me down. I'm ready for some peace, Jesus. Sorry it took me so long to ask you.